


Can't Take It On My Own

by troubledsouls



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, There will be triggers and I'll warn them above each chapter, mostly hurt tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-05-30 03:25:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 31,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6406705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/troubledsouls/pseuds/troubledsouls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The worrying feeling must show on his face, because Tyler takes his other hand. “I promise you nobody's going to hurt you, okay? You've been through a lot, and you're still here, and you're even following me. You're very brave."</p><p>Or, Josh gets kidnapped and Tyler sort-of saves him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My new baby!

When the door cracks open and light floods down into the basement, Josh is fully prepared for **him** to drag him to his feet and use him. 

But it’s not **him** who comes slowly down the stairs. It's someone Josh has never seen before. Fluffy brown hair, longer than **he** keeps it, brown eyes once Josh can make out his face. 

“Hey.” The man says, crouching down in front of Josh. “My name is Tyler. Tyler Joseph. I'm going to get you out of here, okay?”

His voice is quiet, calm, the exact opposite of **his** , and the kindness is what makes Josh instinctively trust him. He doesn't know how long it has been since he's been shown kindness. 

“Is anything restraining you?” Tyler asks, and Josh is grateful that he's not approaching any closer. 

Josh pulls on the chains around his ankles, then the ones around his wrists. They need a key, and **he** probably has a key. 

“Okay. Key?” Tyler asks, and again Josh is grateful, this time that he doesn't have to speak. 

Josh nods, and gestures up the stairs. There's a soft clank of metal, the shifting of chain links against each other. 

“I will be right back.” Tyler stands up slowly and goes up the stairs. The door doesn't close. 

Josh is wary of this new figure. Maybe **he** invited someone over to use Josh with, and it's all a game of the new man being nice to test Josh, and the more Josh trusted him, the more he would be punished, and-

“I got the key.” Tyler's voice cuts through Josh's spiral. “Does it unlock all of them?”

Josh nods. 

“Can I come closer?”

Josh hesitates before nodding slowly. 

Tyler steps forward and kneels down in front of Josh. Josh holds out a wrist and Tyler carefully slots the key into the keyhole and twists it. The cuff falls away, exposed raw redness and scabs where the skin has been rubbed through. 

Tyler unlocks the other wrist and his ankles. They're in the same state. 

“Can you walk on your own?” Tyler asks as he stands up. 

Josh twists his fingers together nervously, wringing his hands. He doesn't trust himself to get out of the corner, scared that this is all a test, that **he** will come down at any moment and Josh will be punished. 

“Want me to help you walk?”

Josh nods timidly, and Tyler holds out a hand. He doesn't seem expectant. Josh is still scared to touch him. 

“Take your time. You have all you need.” Tyler says. 

It's a few minutes of Tyler being in the same position, Josh twisting his hands together and rubbing his wrists, before he reaches up and gently takes Tyler's hand. 

Tyler doesn't pull Josh to his feet, instead providing a steady hand to help Josh stand on his own. He's grateful for that. **He** would've dragged Josh to his feet regardless of whether Josh was ready or not. 

Josh stands on unsteady, weak legs. He can't remember the last time the stood on his own, supporting his own body. Tyler still has a nice, grounding grip on his hand. 

“There are a lot of people outside, and some of them are going to want to ask you questions.” Tyler says. “Can you handle that, or do you want to stay down here for a little longer?”

Josh points up the stairs and nods. He never wants to go back in this basement again. 

There's still a lingering fear that this is all a test for obedience, but **he** hasn't appeared yet. 

Tyler leads Josh slowly up the steps. Josh's grip tightens on Tyler's hand. This is the moment of truth, whether he'd be thrown back into the basement and be locked up again, tighter this time. 

But **he's** not up here. Instead there are two police officers standing by the door, as if waiting for them. 

One steps towards Josh almost immediately, and he cowers back. She slowly raises her hands, as if to show she means no harm. 

“Hi there. I'm Jenna. Can I ask you a few questions about who you are?” Her voice is soft, like Tyler's. Josh likes her immediately. 

Josh nods under expectant stares. He hasn't been around this many people in so long, and it's just three others. 

“Are you Joshua William Dun?”

He nods. 

“Is your birthday June 18, 1988?”

He nods again. 

“Are you currently twenty-seven years of age?”

His eyebrows furrow together. His birthday had passed already?

How long had he been trapped there?

He tightened his hand on Tyler's into a death grip. 

“Okay.” Jenna's voice is very gentle. “Tyler's going to take you down to the station, maybe stop on the way to get you some food and water and clean clothes.”

Josh had thankfully been allowed clothes by **him** so that he wouldn't freeze to death, but he'd never changed and now they were dirt-covered and torn. 

Tyler nods. “Should I take him by the hospital first? I don't know the extent of his injuries except for the cut on his cheek and his wrists and ankles.”

Jenna studies Josh for a moment. “Have your bones ever been broken?”

Josh nervously gestures to his chest. 

“Are any currently broken?”

He shakes his head. 

“I don't think you have to, yet.”

“Come on, Josh.” Tyler carefully leads Josh out the front door. There are several police cars outside, but luckily none of their sirens are blaring. There are so many people, though, and as soon as Josh feels their eyes on him he shrinks back. 

“It's okay.” Tyler says soothingly. “Nobody's going to hurt you.”

Josh nods, but he still doesn't like all the people. And what if **he's** among them?

The worrying feeling must show on his face, because Tyler takes his other hand. “I promise you nobody's going to hurt you, okay? You've been through a lot, and you're still here, and you're even following me. You're very brave.”

Tyler's assurances only help Josh a little. 

He gestures to Tyler's clothes, then to the officers, trying to ask why he isn't dressed like them. 

“I'm a detective.” Tyler says with a smile. “They sent me down because I'm better with people. I've got kind eyes or something like that.”

Josh still hasn't smiled since Tyler found him, but now the corners of his mouth twitch up, even if it's only for a second. It's progress, anyways. 

Tyler lets go of Josh's hand that isn't possibly cutting off his circulation and leads him to a car. Tyler helps Josh into the backseat before staring at the hand that Josh is crushing. 

“You need to let go.” Tyler says very softly. “But you can hold my hand again once we’re at the station.”

Josh nods and very slowly releases Tyler's hand. 

He sits in the backseat, unsure what to do with himself. The car is rather nice, and Josh is dirty and his hair hasn't been properly washed in months. The only thing that's really clean about him is his facial hair. **He** liked Josh clean shaven. The cut on his cheek is from struggling only the day before. 

Josh shudders at the memory. 

He jumps when Tyler starts the car. 

“You don't have to use the seatbelt if you don't want to. I’ll drive really carefully.” Tyler says. 

Josh is grateful that Tyler said that. He doesn't know if he can handle being strapped down by anything right now, not when he's finally free of that house, and especially free of that basement. 

He's never going back. Not for anything. 

Tyler reaches over and messes with a couple buttons, turning on the radio. Quiet music fills the car, where otherwise there would've been a maddening silence. 

“I'm going to get you clean clothes first. Are you okay with changing back there?” Tyler asks. 

Josh nods, and hopes Tyler can see him. 

The car eventually stops in front of a large store. Josh shakes thinking about having to walk in there, but Tyler says “Your clothing size is a large, right?”

Josh nods. 

“I'll get you something simple. I'm going to lock the car so that nobody can get in. Can you stay here, or do you want to come with me?” 

Josh shakes his head. He would much prefer to stay here. 

“Okay.” Tyler gets out of the car and shuts the door. Josh hears the click of the lock. 

He looks at his reflection in the rear view mirror. There's a scabbed over cut on his lower left cheek, smudges of darkness on his face, fingerprint shaped bruises on his neck that look very fresh, and dark circles from sleeplessness around his eyes. Or they're black eyes that are fading, he can't remember. 

Tyler comes back and hands Josh a bag. “I got you a clean shirt, clean pants, clean boxers, socks, and a pair of shoes. They're probably too big for you, though, but since you don't have any I thought I'd get you some.”

Josh nods. 

The windows are tinted, so there's some sense of privacy. Josh changes his pants and boxers first. Tyler got him sweatpants, and they're warm. Warmer than the thin cloth that used to cover him. 

He takes off his shirt slowly. Long sleeves used to cover a brilliantly colored tattoo that **he** hated, because Josh didn't deserve such a work of art on his body. 

Thankfully the shirt Tyler got him is also long sleeved. Looking at his tattoo makes Josh's stomach turn. 

Once Josh is dressed, shoes and socks on (the shoes fit almost perfectly), Tyler starts the car and they're driving again. 

Josh's ribs are visible, and maybe Tyler saw when Josh had his shirt off. He shudders at the thought. 

“What do you want to eat?” Tyler asks him. 

Josh shakes his head. He's too anxious to be hungry. 

“Okay.” Tyler doesn't press, and Josh is grateful for that. "We’ll be at the station in a few minutes.”

The radio plays commercials the whole way.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for flashback/panic attack in this chapter. Stay safe.

When they reach the station, Tyler opens the door and holds out his hand for Josh to take. Josh does, making sure that his grip isn't too tight. He doesn't want to hurt Tyler. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. 

Tyler leads him into the station, and Josh immediately tries to hide behind Tyler because there are eyes on him, and Josh doesn't want to be looked at. 

“Joseph!”

Josh flinches at the loud voice. 

Someone walks up to Tyler as Josh's grip tightens. “Joseph, is that him?”

“Yes.” Tyler speaks softly, casting a glance back at Josh.

“I can't believe you found him, man.” This new person is too loud and Josh is about to cry. “Everyone else thought he was a lost cause.”

“Urie, we can discuss this later.” Josh doesn't see Tyler's expression, but from the way Urie steps backwards, it's nothing good. 

Josh is lead further into the building, following Tyler like a lost puppy, hand tightened to a death grip. So much for trying not to hurt him. 

Tyler stops in front of a door. “Okay, the man we arrested at your house is in this room.”

Josh immediately shrinks back. He doesn't want to see **him** ever again. 

“It's okay. He's handcuffed and on the other side of a one way mirror. He won't see you. We just need you to identify him as the guy who kidnapped you.” Tyler squeezes Josh's hand reassuringly as best he can. 

Josh shudders violently at the word kidnapped. 

Tyler opens the door slowly. “Go in when you're ready.”

Josh doesn't think he'll ever be ready. 

He takes a cautious step forwards after a period of time, crushing Tyler's hand in his grip. 

“You're doing so good. I'm proud of you.” Tyler says quietly. 

Josh slowly enters the room, this time leading Tyler. 

There's another detective in the room, who looks up and smiles when Josh and Tyler enter. “Heya, Joseph.”

“Wentz.” Tyler says. 

Josh is looking everywhere but the glass. 

“So, that's Josh?” Wentz says. Josh looks at him before flicking his eyes away. 

“Yes.” Tyler says. Josh tries to tighten his grip on Tyler's hand. “He's here to identify the suspect.”

Josh trains his eyes on the floor. 

“Hey Josh?”

Josh flicks his eyes over to Wentz. 

“I'm Pete. Me and Tyler are in charge of finding out what happened to you.” Josh likes Pete’s eyes. They have a softness he doesn't think he can put into words. “We just need you to make sure that the man behind the glass is the one who kidnapped you.”

Josh hits the heels of his palms together twice in quick succession.

Pete and Tyler share a puzzled look. 

“Can you not talk?” Pete asks quietly.

Josh nods.

“Is it selective?”

Josh nods again. 

“Okay.” Pete says. 

Josh forces his eyes up from the floor to look at the figure sitting in the room behind the glass. 

**He’s** sitting there, and **he** looks angry, and that's enough to make Josh flinch and shrink back. 

What if **he** can get out? If **he** gets out **he’ll** hurt Josh and Josh doesn't want to be hurt again, he doesn't want to be used, he doesn't want any of what has happened to him why did it happen why was he taken-

Someone's guiding him to sit down against a wall. His vision swims and he lashes out, trying to knock whoever’s touching him off of him. **He's** there, touching Josh, Josh will be flipped over and used and Josh wants to go home, he just wants to go home and he's screaming it as loud as he can.

“Josh!”

Josh flinches at the yelling. He wraps his arms around his legs and pulls them up to his chest, curling up into the tightest ball he can manage. “I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home” is a mantra repeated over and over because maybe if he says it enough then **he** will let him go home. 

He can't breathe. 

Something's blocking his throat and a hand (is it his? He's pretty sure it is) reaches up to claw at his mouth, to get whatever's blocking it out, to hurt and tear away, to hear **his** yells and he'll be punished but it's worth it for the moments of freedom where he can get up off his knees and bolt for the stairs on weak legs-

Someone grabs it and he screams and tries to yank his hand back. He doesn't want to be held down, he doesn't want it he doesn't want any of this-

“Josh, Josh, Josh.” His name, repeated three times. 

**He** never used the nickname, always Joshua. 

Tears well up on Josh's eyes and spill over. His body freezes in place, muscles tense. Through a blurred vision he sees Tyler in front of him, holding his hand, concern written all over his face. 

“Josh, you need to breathe, you can do this, you're okay, alright? You're free, you're safe…” Tyler continues speaking, saying the same sort of things, and Josh's breaths slow. He doesn't make a sound, just shakes with his tears, taking in shuddering deep breaths. 

He's vaguely aware of Pete talking, shutting the door to the room. 

Josh is alone with Tyler, but he's not worried. Tyler could've taken advantage of him long before, when he was still chained in that basement. 

“Is that the person who hurt you?” Tyler asks quietly. 

Josh nods. 

“Did he… did he do more than just kidnap you and keep you locked up?”

Josh nods timidly. 

Tyler's hand that isn't holding Josh's clenches into a fist. “Nobody is ever going to hurt you again, I promise.”

Josh wants to hold him to that, but Tyler's anger is making him scared. **He** hurt Josh more when **he** was angry. 

Tyler must notice, because his face softens out and his fist unclenches. “I'm sorry.”

Josh nods and looks away from Tyler. 

“Are you thirsty?”

Josh nods again. Too much has been happening for him to notice the dryness in his mouth. 

“I'm going to go get you some water. You're safe, I promise. I'll be back in a couple of minutes.”

Josh lets go of Tyler's hand, and Tyler stands up and leaves. 

Josh rubs his wrists. He feels light without the chains, floaty. He likes it. He doesn't want to be restrained ever again. 

He crawls towards the window, the one way glass, and gets up on his knees to look through. 

It's **him** , Josh is certain of that. **He** looks smug, like **he's** gotten away with something. 

Josh knows that **he** won't get away with what **he** did. 

“Josh?” Tyler sounds startled. 

Josh squeaks and whips his head around, eyes wide. 

“Hey, it's okay, I just… Nevermind.” Tyler walks over to Josh and sits beside him. He holds out a water bottle, and Josh takes it. He tries to twist the cap off but his arms are too frail. He pouts. 

“Want me to open it for you?” At Josh's nod, Tyler quickly unscrews the cap and hands the bottle to Josh. 

Josh thirstily gulps down about half, before remembering that he has to drink slowly or else he might get sick. 

“I brought a notebook and pencil.” Tyler holds them out and Josh twists on the cap to the water bottle and sets it down beside him. “I know it's going to be hard, but I need you to write down what happened so we can charge him with more than just kidnapping.”

Josh begins to shake, and he takes the offered items with quivering hands. 

“So he kidnapped you?” Tyler asks. 

Josh nods. 

“And locked you up?”

Josh nods again. 

“What was the day you were kidnapped?”

Josh shakily pencils down a date. ‘March 16, 2015.’

Tyler nods when Josh gives him a look. “Okay. That matches up with our other witnesses. Do you know today's date?”

Josh shakes his head. 

“August 27, 2015.”

Josh feels a sickness settle in his stomach. He tries to do the math in his head. 

More than five months. 

He blinks away tears. 

“Do you know what he did to you?”

Josh's hand shakes as he writes, eventually turning into full body shudders that make his handwriting extremely messy. ‘He'd unchain me to use me and when I would struggle he'd hit me and break my bones and choke me until I stopped struggling and then he'd do whatever he wanted’

“Can you be more specific than used?” Tyler asks very very quietly. 

It takes Josh long minutes before he can write anything. 

And when he does, it's a single word. 

‘Rape’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to make a couple notes here. 
> 
> 1\. I know nothing about police stations and police stuff except for 60's shows (I think they were the sixties) and some stuff from agents of shield and agent carter which isn't really police at all. So there will be inaccuracies and I apologize. 
> 
> 2\. Time passing is going to be really fucky in this fic because it's all told from Josh's perspective, and Josh is an unreliable narrator. He has a skewed sense of how much time passes, so what's written as moments may be much longer than just a few minutes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Italics = flashback.

Josh drops the pencil. He's shaking too hard. 

Somehow, realizing the word in his mind and in writing makes what happened all too real. 

“Okay.” Tyler says quietly. “Can you come with me? I think you should eat something.”

Josh nods. Tyler stands up and holds out his hand. 

Josh takes it faster than the first time, but it's still a few moments before he trusts himself to not shake too hard. 

He grabs the water bottle as he stands up. 

Pete is standing by the door. Josh stares at him as Tyler leads him out into the hallway. 

Pete nods and give Josh a slight smile. 

Josh nods back. 

Tyler takes Josh into a room with a few other officers and a detective. Josh suddenly becomes hyper aware of how he looks, and shrinks back as soon as eyes land on him. 

“Hey, don't worry.” Tyler's calming voice cuts through a fog in Josh's brain. “You'll be fine.”

Eyes turn away from Josh. He can breathe again.

Tyler leads Josh over to a vending machine. Josh pushes up his sleeves to rub at his wrists. 

“So.” Josh flinches at the sudden voice. “This is Josh.”

Tyler casts a glance over at Josh. He points at a bag of chips. 

“Yes, it is.” Tyler says, pulling coins out of his pocket and slotting them into the machine. “What do you want, Ross.”

The anger in Tyler's voice makes Josh shy away slightly, and his grip on Tyler's hand to loosen. 

“You finally found the lost cause, huh? I didn't know you had it in you.”

Tyler's body goes rigid for a moment before he punches in the numbers with more force than is necessary. 

“What happened to your throat, lost cause?” Fingers touch the bruises on Josh's neck, and he flinches hard and lashes out, fingernails digging into Ross’s arm and his hand is wrenched away. 

Ross yelps and pulls his arm out of Josh's grip. “Holy shit, he broke the skin! Little shit!”

Josh shies away, pressing himself into Tyler and squeezing his eyes shut. He's going to get in trouble, he's going to get used, he's-

“George Ryan Ross, you will not speak that way to him. You will not touch him. You will not make any comments on his appearance.” Tyler's voice is filled with a cold fury. Josh presses his face into Tyler's shoulder. “Is that clear?”

Ross grumbles something that Josh can't hear through a static in his ears. 

Josh stays like that for a few minutes, before raising his head. His cheeks are a faint red. He mouths the word sorry. 

“It's okay, it wasn't your fault.” Tyler says. He bends down and pulls the bag of chips out of the vending machine. 

The two sit down together at a table. Across from Josh is a TV that's switched to a news channel. The broadcast is live, and the person onscreen is talking about a fire in California. 

Josh eats out of the bag mechanically. 

_“Hey, babe.” Footsteps come slowly down the stairs._

_Josh flinches at the pet name and looks up. He hasn't slept since the last time **he** was down to bring food and water, and it shows in the bags under his eyes. _

_“I brought you some chips, Joshua. Your favorite kind.” **He** laughs a little before tossing the bag to Josh. _

_It lands just out of his area of movement._

_His chains pull taught at he reaches for the bag, stomach growling._

_**He** steps forward and grabs Josh's face, running his fingers along Josh's jawline. “I don't like this on you.”_

_**He** reaches into a pocket and pulls out a key, first unlocking the chains around Josh's ankles. “Don't run, or you'll regret it.” **He** growls, before unlocking the ones around Josh's wrists and hauling him to his feet. _

_Josh has never wanted to sprint more in his life._

_But he refrains, and instead allows himself to be dragged up the stairs by **his** tight grip on his arm. _

_He's shoved into a bathroom by the basement stairs. **He** bends down and searches through a cabinet, and Josh takes that time to run. _

_But he's weak with hunger and thirst, and isn't as fast as he'd like to be._

_He hears **him** yell as he reaches the front door. _

_Josh bolts out onto the street and runs as fast as he can, hoping that his bare feet don't catch on anything to send him falling to the ground._

_But he is not faster than **him**. _

_Josh hears footsteps pounding up behind him and he screams as a hand closes around his arm. He's flung to the ground and he feels his skin scrape._

_“Fucking hell, I told you not to run!” Josh is hauled back to his feet and dragged to the house. He kicks and screams. **He** just laughs. _

_“There's no one around to hear you, Joshua. You're mine.”_

“Josh?”

Josh snaps his attention to Tyler almost fearfully, eyes growing wide. Had he missed something important? Was he going to be punished?

“You were breathing weird. Are you okay?”

Josh looks down at the empty bag of chips. 

“I gotta warn you about something.” Tyler's hand gently lands on Josh's forearm, and he flinches. 

Tyler doesn't remove his hand, and instead begins to rub soft circles with his thumb. “So, uh, when you got captured, it was a pretty big deal. Like, it was all over the news, and people were trying to identify who took you, and stuff like that. Once the word gets out that you've been found, there will probably be a lot of news people that will want to talk to you.”

Josh nods to show that he understands. 

“Do you want to go back to your apartment?”

Josh looks up at a clock on the wall. It's 5:07. Work is still open, and unless the shifts have changed, Chris is there. 

He debates on whether he wants to go home and shower first, or go straight there. 

Josh nods in response to Tyler's question, and then traces ‘work’ on the table with his index finger. 

“Stop by your apartment first?”

Josh nods. 

“Okay. Come on.” Tyler stands up and holds his hand out for Josh to take. 

Josh does without hesitation and stands up. 

Tyler leads Josh through the hallways back outside to his car. This time, Josh sits in the passenger seat. 

He stares out the window for the entire drive, watching the streets fly by. 

He'd dreamed of this for months. 

When they reach his apartment, Josh realizes he doesn't have his key. He communicates this to Tyler with a panicked look. 

Tyler must pick up on what he's trying to say without words. “I'll talk to whoever's there.”

Josh nods, and then they get out of the car. 

Walking into the building feels very decidedly like home, and Josh relaxes. He doesn't take Tyler's hand as he talks to someone. 

A wide-eyed look is shot Josh's way, and then a key is handed over to Tyler. 

It takes only one look from Tyler for Josh to run up three floors worth of stairs and skids to a stop in front of his apartment door. 

Tyler follows, amused. 

Tyler hands the key to Josh and Josh unlocks his apartment and practically bounces inside. 

Everything is exactly as he left it with maybe a coating of dust, but Josh doesn't care. He's home, finally finally home. He's so happy he could explode. 

“You gonna take a shower?” Tyler asks, shutting the apartment door. 

Josh nods, the beginnings of a smile tugging at his mouth. 

“I'll be waiting.”

Josh bounces off to his bathroom, freezes for maybe a minute after he enters, and then continues. 

After a shower that was probably longer than he intended (he loved the feeling of water flowing over him, and might've washed and rewashed his hair too many time), Josh is dressed in his own clothes and clean. 

He walks out into the living room and nods to Tyler. 

Tyler stands up and smiles at Josh, and Josh thinks that that's the first time he's seen Tyler really smile. 

He likes it very much. 

Josh nearly runs back down the stairs, but is stopped by a sudden fear of that he shouldn't be running away. It takes a hand on his upper arm and Tyler steering him down the stairs for Josh to unfreeze and snap back into the moment. 

Tyler lets go of Josh as soon as they're out of the building, and Josh feels like he's able to breathe again. 

It's not a long drive to the music store where Josh works. He doesn't own a car, so he walks to work every day, and it's not too long of a walk. 

It's 5:53 when Tyler parks in front of the music store. 

Josh leaps out of the car and nearly runs inside. 

A bell rings as the door opens, and Josh walks up to the register. 

“Hi, how can I…” Chris’s words die in his throat as he takes in Josh's appearance. “ _Josh?!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They reunite c:
> 
> Also I hate Ryan Ross.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some violence in the flashback.

Chris bounds out from behind the counter and captures Josh in a tight hug. “Oh my god, you're alive.”

Josh hugs him back, arms wrapping tightly around the (currently) more muscular body of Chris. Chris feels safe in a way he can't describe, an old in the sea of new that so suddenly enveloped his life over five months ago. 

Josh doesn't let go after what he thinks is several minutes. Chris doesn't seem to mind though, only holding his tighter. “God, I thought you were dead. We all thought you were dead. You're not dead, you're alive, you're here, Josh…” Chris begins to cry softly, just tears and shaking. 

“Chris? What's going on?” Halsey, the manager, pokes her head out of the back room. Her eyes widen as Josh looks up from where he'd had his head pressed into Chris’s shoulder. Their eyes meet. 

_A foot stomps hard onto Josh's chest, and he screams._

_“Stop trying to run!” **He** yells, before bringing **his** foot down again. Josh hears a crack and then pain lances through his chest. He screams again, tears brimming into his eyes. _

_“Please, please, I just want to go home!” Josh yells, trying to roll over and crawl away. His ribs hurt too much when he moves, so he gives up and just lies on his back in pain._

_“Shut up! I don't want to hear you talk again!” Josh's left arm is grabbed and bent, and there's a sickening snap that makes him scream._

Josh realizes he's shaking, and his fingernails are digging into Chris’s back. 

He just wants to say something, anything. 

Chris finally lets go of Josh, and Josh lets him. He wipes his eyes. “I can't believe it.”

“Josh?” Halsey walks up to the two, eyes filled with…

Josh doesn't remember the emotion. 

It's her turn to hug him, not as tight or as long as the one he and Chris shared (they had more history, more reasons for being happy to see the other again), but still as appreciated. 

“Who's this?” Chris is still drying his eyes as he turns his attention to Tyler. 

“I'm Tyler Joseph. I'm the one who found him.” Tyler sounds relaxed, hopeful almost. 

“Thank you.” Chris hugs Tyler too, and Tyler lets out a startled ‘oof’ that makes Josh smile. 

Halsey darts into the back room while Chris thanks Tyler profusely and comes out with a small object in her hand. 

“Your phone.” She says simply as she hands it to Josh. She takes their phones during shifts so that nobody slacks off when she's not looking. 

Josh takes it and turns it on. 

The lock screen is the same picture of him and Chris from… Was it a year ago now? It must've been. 

Josh mouths a thank you and tucks the device into his pocket. 

Tyler checks his watch. “I think I should take Josh back to his apartment.”

“Want me to come over tomorrow?” Chris blurts. 

Josh nods and manages a slight smile. 

That's enough to make Chris’s face light up with happiness. 

Josh looks back as he and Tyler exit the building and get into the car. 

“Can you be on your own?” Tyler asks as he stops in front of Josh's apartment building. 

Josh nods, and hops out of the car. 

He walks slowly up the stairs, trying to savor the intense sense of home he felt. He was free. Free! Locked down there, in the darkness, he didn't think he'd be free. 

When he's inside his apartment, in his bedroom, he unlocks his phone. 

There are several texts from his parents, his siblings, his friends. 

His phone buzzes in his hand as he reads them. 

Mum: Josh honey?

It's his mom. 

hey mom. good to hear from you

Mum: Can I call you? It would be nice to hear your voice but I understand if you're not up to it.

maybe later. im surprised youre not crying and freaking out

Mum: I did that already as soon as the police called and said they found you. Can we at least FaceTime? I want to see you.

you dont wanna see me i dont look good. gotta get a haircut and wait for some stuff to heal. dont want you to worry about me more than you already have

Mum: That worries me anyways. But if you don't want to, that's okay. I'm not going to say I understand how you're feeling, because you hate when I do that and I also really just don't in this situation.

thank you

i havent had proper sleep in a while do you mind if i go to sleep?

Mum: Of course I don't mind! Take care of yourself. I don't know what you've been through, but I know that you deserve to think only about yourself for a while.

wow, mama dun, going back on something youve told me

goodnight mom

Mum: Goodnight, Josh. I love you and I'm so glad you're safe.

love you too mom

Josh sets his phone aside and curls up under his blankets. 

He wakes up at 3 AM with a shout. 

He gasps in heaving breaths. 

A memory come back as a nightmare. 

“God.” Josh pants. 

He stays still, for a while, before deciding not to go back to sleep. He reaches over and grabs his phone and unlocks it. 

He messes around on a game for a while, before deciding to check his social media. 

Instagram is his first choice, since he's spent hours mindlessly scrolling it. 

He's got a lot more followers, and a lot more people sending him DMs and tagging him in what looks like security footage screenshots. 

His heart jolts as he realizes that it's video from the store. 

He gets up and goes to the bathroom, turning on the light and opening up the camera on his iPhone. He doesn't care about the lighting, he doesn't care about how good he looks, he just wants people to know he's okay. 

The photo shows his face, the finger-shaped bruises on his neck, the healing scabs and redness on his wrists. 

‘.:Still Alive:.’ is the caption. 

Josh turns off the light, puts his phone down, and goes back to bed. 

He slips into a half-sleep, not deep enough for nightmares to reappear.

His alarm clock goes off at seven, startling him into full alertness. 

He shuts it off fast, breathing unsteady. 

He leaves his phone and gets up, stripping his clothes off and changing into ones from his closet. His favorite shirt that was covered in little alien doodles, and pants that had skeletons all over them. He's very good at dressing so he clashes. 

His phone buzzes. 

He picks it up and checks the message. 

Abbyy: bro

yea

Abbyy: i was gonna ask u if u were okay but ur obviously not

Abbyy: mom saw the photo u posted

Abbyy: not to be rude but u look like shit

i know i do lmao

does mum understand why i didnt want her to see me

Abbyy: yea she does

Abbyy: i thought shed be the waterworks but apparently dad has been crying since they got the call

Abbyy: u should come home we miss u

i really should as long as someone else pays for my plane ticket

Abbyy: im glad ur safe bro

i am too, sis

Abbyy: see u soon nerd

nerd

Abbyy: im less of a nerd than u are remember when u made me watch all the xfiles with u

fine u win

nerd

Abbyy: fuck you

Josh laughs a little before shutting off his phone and tossing it to the side. 

Something's slightly unsettling him, and he stands up to try and walk it off. 

Pacing does nothing to quell the anxiety in him, so he goes into his bedroom. 

It takes a few minutes of rummaging through drawers before he finds a belt. He never usually wears them. 

After a moment of staring at it, he wraps it snugly around his left wrist. 

One of his bubbles of anxiety seems to pop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Screw medical accuracies, I do what I want. 
> 
> Also, be worried about Josh.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shiny new tag is added.

Josh doesn't eat all day, just watches the xfiles over and over while lying on his couch in various states of half-sleep. He doesn't even remember any of the episodes. The steady pressure of the belt around his wrist keeps him somewhat grounded, like if he didn't have it he'd float away to who knows where. 

His phone rings multiple times before he even bothers to pick it up. 

It's his dad. 

He picks it up without thinking. 

“Joshua?”

He makes a hmm noise. 

“Oh god, you're safe. I had to make sure, I…” the voice dissolves into tears. 

Josh swallows and opens his mouth to speak. A single word from a voice cracked and rusted over from disuse. 

“Dad…”

That just makes his dad cry more. 

Josh doesn't have the energy to form more words, and mostly just stays on the lines and makes soft noises to show that yes, he's here, he's alive, and yes it is a miracle that he was found, and was he okay?

It was a little bit too much for his senses, but Josh could handle it. 

Finally the (mostly one sided) conversation wound down and there was nothing but soft breathing from the two. 

“I love you.”

Josh hummed. 

His dad hung up after a minute. 

Josh stared at the TV. He'd been jolted back into reality, and was now too aware of the pressure on his wrist, too-

_Josh woke up in a very dark place with a pounding head and something chafing his wrists and ankles._

_He groaned, moving a hand to rub at his head._

_He froze as he heard the chink of metal._

_He yanked his arms and found that there were chains attached to cuffs around his wrists. Same thing around his ankles._

_He was too scared to make a noise._

_It felt like hours before the door opened and light flooded down into- was he in a basement?_

_“Hello!” Said a bright voice, and the man who had kidnapped Josh strolled down the stairs like there was nothing wrong._

_“Who the hell are you!” Josh snarled. “Why do you have me here!”_

_“Shh.” **He** says, a smile twisting his features. “You're here with me.”_

_“Yeah, and I don't want to be!” Josh yanks his right wrist, trying to pull free or maybe break the chain._

_“Ah, ah, ah, don't do that.” **He** grabs Josh's wrists and holds them apart so the chains are slack. “You'll hurt yourself.”_

_Josh growls, glaring up at **him** with the most contempt that he can muster. _

_“Don't be that way, pet.” **He** says with a pout. “I'm sure we'll get along great.”_

_Josh flinches at the word ‘pet’. He is no one’s pet, especially not **his**. _

_“Aww.” **He** releases one of Josh's wrists to grab his chin. “Don't react like that. You'll like it soon enough. God, you're so handsome. As soon as I saw you, I knew, I needed to have you. And you didn't give me your number, so I had to do something.”_

_“I didn't give you my number because you were acting like a creep!” Josh hisses._

_“You should've. Even though the slow way is longer and much harder, I'm sure you would've appreciated it more. But you'll love being here soon enough.” He lets go of Josh. “I'll bring you some food later, alright?”_

Josh tears at the belt around his wrist before fumbling with the buckle. As soon as the belt is off his wrist and cool air hits his skin, he's thrust back into another memory. 

_Josh is too weak to try and run when his wrists and ankles are unlocked. He doesn't know why he's being unlocked, he was brought upstairs a day ago, or was it two? He's lost all concept of time._

_“Wow, babe, being so good.” **He** pulls Josh to his knees, then thumbs his jaw open gently. “You ready?”_

_Josh isn't, and he chokes._

He coughs, sliding off the couch and falling to his hands and knees, coughing like he's dying. 

He manages to get to his knees and stumble to the bathroom before he's heaving up what little’s in his stomach into the toilet. 

Soon there's nothing left, and Josh is reduced to coughing and hacking up bile. 

Eventually he stops, and is left kneeling over the toilet heaving in sharp breaths. 

He flushes the water and vomit down before standing up on shaky legs and stumbling for his phone. 

chrris dude can uu come ovre

Chris: be there in a couple minutes

Chris: are you okay?

hhes gon hris buuut everetgfing is stiil bAd im ffree but hse nott gONE

Chris: im coming josh just hold on

Josh doesn't remember whether he forgot to lock his apartment door or if Chris has a key. 

He's sobbing and shaking on the couch when gentle hands touch his shoulders. He flinches at the touch, shying away and whimpering through his sobs. 

“Josh, Josh, it's me.” Chris whispers, and then Josh is being held tightly. 

He sobs into Chris’s shoulder, sometimes winding down into near-silence only to start crying again even harder. He doesn't know how much time passes, only that there are comforting arms around him and soft words being whispered and an overwhelming feeling of safety, but also one of fear. 

Some time that could be hours or minutes later, Josh's concept of time has been skewed by darkness and lack of sleep, he eventually calms down to silence. Chris is rubbing circles into his back. 

“Hey.” Chris whispers as Josh sits up and wipes at his eyes. 

Josh nods and looks away. He mouths the word ‘sorry’, unsure if his voice will still work, unsure if he can even let himself speak. 

“Dude, don't worry about it.” Chris gently places a kiss on Josh's forehead. “I don't know what you went through, but whatever it was, it must've been bad. I'll be here if you need me, okay?”

Josh nods, looking up at Chris. 

“I don't think you should be totally on your own right now. Have you eaten today?”

Josh shakes his head. 

“You should get something in you. I've been, uh, making sure that nothing goes bad here. You have some canned stuff that I can make.” Chris stands up and goes over to the kitchen. 

Josh watches him for a few minutes before grabbing a blanket that he must've left on the arm of the couch and wraps it around himself, making sure every part of his body was hidden except for what was above his nose. The blanket was warm, and had a fantastic quality of safeness about it that made Josh happy. 

He was dozing off slightly when Chris sat back down beside him with a bowl of soup and a spoon and a soft smile. 

Josh had no desire to extract any of himself from the blanket. 

“Want to watch TV while you eat?” Chris asks. 

Josh nods, and then decides he's hungry. 

Chris switches the channel to Food Network (“it's the only pure channel out there, Josh.”) while Josh eats slowly, eyes glues to the screen. He's vaguely aware of Chris taking the bowl from him when he's done, but he's very aware of Chris also trying to get under the blanket. 

Josh hisses at him. 

“Dude, I'm cold.” Chris complains. 

Josh narrows his eyes slightly before giving in. 

They sit together while Chris makes commentary (“Ted Allen looks so dead inside.”) and Josh laughs. It's a start. 

Josh's phone buzzes at some point, and he reaches over to grab it. It's dark, and late, but Chris doesn't seem to have any intention of leaving. 

508-745-5674: is this Josh?

508-745-5674: it's tyler

tyler joseph?

508-745-5674: ye

“Who's that?” Chris asks, looking at Josh's screen. 

Josh adds in the number as the contact ‘Savior’. Somehow, that feels right. 

Chris raises his eyebrows, but doesn't comment further. 

then yes this is josh how may i help you

Savior: I wanted to see how you were doing

im doing great rn im with chris u met him

Savior: the public knows you're alive so I wanted to know how you're gonna deal with that

Savior: it was a big deal but I think I told you that

yeah u did

jesus i dunno ive never been one for publicity

Savior: just warning you in case people ask you intrusive questions. some people have no sensitivity for trauma

got it

Tyler doesn't respond, and that would normally send Josh's anxiety into a frenzy, but right now he's just tired. 

He leans against Chris and shuts his eyes, and somewhere along the timeline he falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Josh speaks! Also hurt/comfort, but with Chris. Don't worry, we'll see a lot more Tyler once the trial comes around.


	6. Chapter 6

“Josh! Josh, wake up!”

Josh gasps in a breath as his eyes open and he lashes out, fingernails digging into flesh. 

“Josh, it's me, Chris!”

He's panting heavily, sucking in huge breaths before expelling them far too quickly. He drops his hand and then, with hardly any in between, begins to hyperventilate. 

“Josh!” Chris pulls him into an upright position, placing a hand on Josh's chest. “Josh, you're safe, okay? You're in your room, in your apartment, you're not…”

Chris’s words blur away in Josh's ears, he's too busy focusing on being quiet, on not screaming no no no with every too quick breath. He can't get away and it hurts it hurts it hurts…

He can feel someone's hands running up and down his arms, and it's such a jarring sensory feeling from what he's expecting (he doesn't want to think about what he was expecting). He moves his right arm as if to tug on the chain and it… Isn't there?

He winds down very, very slowly, vision clearing to see familiar surroundings, familiar feelings. He's in his room, and he doesn't remember falling asleep there. But it's his room. Familiar. Safe. 

And Chris is there, in front of him. Chris is the one rubbing circles with his thumbs into his upper arms. Chris is good, and safe. 

“Josh?”

Josh nods. 

“That was… I think that was the worst panic attack I've ever seen you have.” Chris doesn't let go of Josh. 

Josh nods and looks away from Chris. He doesn't have the energy to start crying. 

“I think we should go to your therapist. That was… That was so scary, Josh, you sounded like you were dying. Do you want me to make the appointment?”

“Yeah.”

Josh's voice is shot through with holes and covered in rust, but the words still make their way out. 

He clears his throat. “Yeah, I should go.”

_“I don't want to hear you talk again!”_

“I can…” Josh pauses to rub his eyes. “I can speak here. He's… He's not around to hear me. He can't hurt me if he can't hear me.”

“Oh, Josh…” Chris says, and then wraps his arms around Josh is a tight hug. 

Josh hugs him back for a moment before letting go. 

“I'll text him.” Chris moves to get up. 

“Be there with me.” Josh says firmly. 

Chris nods. “I will. Promise.”

Josh doesn't sleep for the rest of the night. Chris does, eventually, and Josh watches him sleep for a while before getting up and getting his phone. 

im gonna go see my therapist tomorrow

will u be there too? i want him to know from outside what im like. ive got chris too but he didnt pull me out of a basement

Tyler texts back after a few minutes. 

Savior: any particular reason you want me there?

Savior: other than to tell your therapist about pulling you out of a basement

i trust you u u have very kind eyes

Savior: thank you

Savior: is Chris at your apartment?

hes sleeping

Savior: is that a yes then

yea

Savior: you do know it's four am

i had a nightmare

he came over initially because i texted him when i was having a

more panic attacks whoop de fucking doo

Savior: someone as nice as you shouldn't have gone through that

are you flirting

Savior: maybe

do u really wanna go out for coffee with a trauma case

Savior: don't be so harsh on yourself

Savior: besides the coffee can always be brought to you

fair enough

the appointment hasnt been scheduled yet bc it's 4:15 in the am but ill text u when I know when

Savior: I'll get you coffee afterwards

deal

Josh’s head is spinning. 

He has an unofficial date. It's not actually a date because they're not going anywhere together for what would be considered a date, but…

Okay. He wasn't expecting this. 

He wouldn't mind dating Tyler, though. Not at all. Tyler is… Nice. He has nice hair and nice eyes and nice tattoos and a nice face. 

He considers dating anyone, though, for a few long minutes. 

Is he ready? He just got out of a basement, he's been missing and hurt for months. 

He doesn't want to be alone, though, and he likes Tyler. 

But they're not dating. Tyler is just buying him coffee. That's not dating, like official dating with the whole boyfriends label. He's not ready for that, not yet. 

Josh ends up pondering what type of guy he's tended to date and how much Tyler fits in that category until dawn. He spends a lot of time doing this, and he's only jolted out of his thoughts by Chris walking in texting someone on his phone. 

“The appointment is at noon.” Chris says, looking up at Josh. 

“Tyler's coming with us.” Josh is still getting used to the whole talking thing. 

Chris nods. 

noon. u free?

Savior: yeah I don't have work today anyways

Savior: still buying you coffee?

u might have to also buy chris coffee otherwise hell not like u

Savior: noted

also why were u up at 4:15 in the am i want answers

Savior: got caught up in my work

Savior: I don't think you know how that is since u work at a music store

tru

“Hey Josh?” Chris says, and Josh looks up. 

“I'm hungry. Want to go out for breakfast?”

Josh nods and tucks his phone into his pocket before standing up. 

“A new place opened up recently, they have really good waffles. Come on.” Chris doesn't grab Josh's wrist to pull him along like he normally would. He instead walks towards the door and looks back to see is Josh is following. 

Josh does follow. 

It's a short walk to the place. The inside looks like a diner. Josh likes it. 

The server’s eyes flick to the fading bruises on his throat when they first enter, but no comment is made, and Josh is grateful. 

Chris talks while they wait for their food and while they eat, talking about anything and everything. He talks about Halsey’s latest boyfriend, about Debby and how she finally got a girlfriend but won't say who (Josh says maybe it was the girl she’d been gushing about. Chris nods slowly and says it probably is). It's like Josh hasn't been missing for five months, like old times except with less talking on his part. 

“Oh, hey.” Chris says around a mouthful of bacon. “You know Nick Thomas?”

Josh nods. If you're Chris’s friend, you know all of his other friends or you meet them at one of the events Chris holds. 

“He got a service dog recently. Named her Fluffy. Responds entirely to hand signals. Isn't that cool?”

Josh nods, smiling slightly. 

“She's helped him a lot over the past month, actually. He's doing much better. She wakes him up before his nightmares get too bad.”

“Maybe I should get one.” Josh wonders aloud. It's the third time he's spoken the whole time they've been eating. 

Chris studies him for a second. “Yeah. Maybe you should talk with Nick about it, he can give you advice.”

Josh nods. 

Chris checks the time on his phone. “It's about nine. Want to wander around before your appointment? I'll buy you some stuff.”

Josh smiles and nods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should be longer, and should also have more Tyler! It'll also skip a couple months. I would've had this finished earlier but I ended up writing a smut scene that happens later :3c


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler!  
> We also time jumped a couple months.

2 months later

Josh answers his ringing phone after a quick check around the area. “Heya, Ty.”

“Josh, can I come over? My brain is sticking together on this case.” 

“What's it about?” Josh smiles. 

“The usual theft stuff. I need a break, though. Plus, I wanna meet your dog.”

“Tyler, you've met my dog at least twelve times by now.”

“But dude, you have such a nice dog. Can I take her home?”

“No. My dog. Besides, I thought you hated her after she woke you up by jumping on you.”

“She was going to wake you up, I was in the way. I couldn't stay mad for long.”

Josh laughs at that. His voice is better, he in general is better, but there are still times when he goes completely nonverbal and shuts down. One time he panicked while at Tyler's house because it was laid out similar to **his** and ended up hiding in a closet. That took a while to recover from. 

“I'm out walking her right now, so you can't come over.”

Tyler groans on the other end of the line. “Please. I'll bring coffee.”

“I'll take you up on that. Be here in thirty minutes. Get back to work.”

Tyler groans again, and then hangs up. 

Josh tucks his phone back into his pocket, then whistles. 

Spencer comes running back to him, slowing down once she reaches him and then licking his hand. 

Josh holds out his hand, fingers together, hand flat. Spencer sits, tongue out as she pants. 

He folds in his ring and pinky finger before flicking downwards. Spencer goes down onto her stomach, looking up at Josh expectantly. 

“Good girl.” Josh says, pulling a treat out of his pocket and holding it out. Spencer licks it off his hand and eats it before licking his hand. Spencer likes to lick things. It's how she makes her way through life. 

He clips her leash back on and begins to head back in the direction of his apartment building. He's glad he lives close to a forest filled with paths.

It's a short walk back to his apartment. Josh is lucky they already allowed pets. 

When he reaches his apartment, it’s been twenty minutes since Tyler called. He lets Spencer run off to do Spencer things around the house.

He goes to the kitchen and sees Spencer pawing open an empty cabinet. She spots him when he walks in and starts wagging her tail like she’s done something very important.

“Good girl.” Josh whispers when Spencer pads up to him and sits. He sits down to pet her before pressing his face into her fur.

He’s still like that when Tyler walks in. Tyler has a key. Chris and Nick also have keys, and Spencer knows how to speed dial all of them on Josh’s emergency phone. Or send a text to Nick if he doesn’t feel his phone.

He doesn’t notice Tyler until a hand touches his shoulder. “You okay?”

Josh leans back to look at Tyler. “Yeah.”

“The cabinet’s open.” Tyler looks worried.

“Spencer was practicing.” Josh’s hands are laced into her fur.

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

Spencer licks Tyler’s hand, as if to assure that Josh is telling the truth.

Tyler smiles and pats Spencer on the head with his free hand. “I love your dog.”

“So do I.” Josh says after a minute. 

Tyler frowns at him. “You sure you're okay?”

Josh smiles, although it's a little forced. “You know me. Spacey.”

“Spacey usually means something bad when it's you.” Tyler says, but doesn't comment further. 

Tyler helps Josh to his feet and then hands him a cup of coffee, which Josh gratefully accepts. They move to Josh’s living room and sit together, Spencer diligently padding after Josh and lying down on his feet.

They talk. Well, mostly Tyler talks, Josh only paying enough attention to respond and keep up the conversation. He hates silence, at least at this stage in his life.

Josh has lost track of what Tyler’s saying when his mind wanders over to what he's dubbed The Trial in his head. 

There's no way. There's no way **he's** not going to jail. Josh just needs to be able to speak. He can speak. 

But **he’ll** be right there and **he's** told Josh not to talk, Josh cannot talk around **him** unless he want his bones snapped his body violated whatever the punishment will be it will hurt hurt hurt hurt hurthurthurthurt _Josh is pushed down onto his back on the floor, right wrist still shackled, legs being forced apart_ paws press into his legs, legs that are crossed. He's sitting, not lying down, and there's nothing around either of his wrists. 

Josh blinks, forces his eyes to focus at Spencer’s whine. She licks his hand one, twice, three times, sets up a rhythm of simulation. 

“Josh? Are you okay?”

Tyler's voice cuts through Josh's mind; it’s wildfire through a dense forest. Josh doesn't understand why it's so jarring to be asked if he's okay, after two months of nothing but that question. 

“Does it look like I'm okay?” It's not a snappy response. Tense, perhaps, but there's no malice behind it. 

“No.” Tyler says, and he gently takes Josh's hand (the one that Spencer isn't licking). “Do you need anything?”

“I'm… I'm fine.” A lie. 

One that Tyler sees right through. “You're not.”

Josh nods. 

Spencer stops licking Josh's hand and instead pushes her head into his lap. Josh absentmindedly pats her. She wags her tail. 

“I just…” Josh starts, pauses for a moment that could be seconds or hours, he can't tell. Tyler doesn't speak. “I feel like I should be fine, right? Like, I'm not… not trapped anymore, I shouldn't be scared. I don't think my family understood when I visited them, when I would panic at the most arbitrary things, like someone coming down the stairs, like someone touching my wrist, like…”

“Josh.” Tyler slowly moves his hand from Josh's to Josh's shoulder. “Josh you were locked in a basement, which chains, for months. That's not something you just get over.”

“But I'm not there, anymore, I-”

“Josh.” Tyler says more firmly, and Josh closes his mouth. “You have post-traumatic stress disorder. Thats not just something you get over. What happened to you is not something you get over. I can't… I can't force you to think anything, and I won't, I won't force you to do anything ever, but…”

“Okay.” Josh says. “Okay. Alright. I gotta… gotta recover and stuff. Not a straight line. Right.”

Tyler raises his eyebrows. “Do you know a lot about this kind of thing?”

“Nick.” Josh says immediately. “When he came back, he was a mess, and he didn't have the kind of resources I have now. In fact, I only have those due to him.” A thought darts through Josh's mind, and he turns to Tyler. “You passed the Nick Test a few nights ago, by the way.”

“The what?” Tyler's expression goes from concern to confusion. 

“Chris puts all his new friends through something he calls the Nick Test. He introduces you to Nick, and Nick can tell whether you're nice to him out of pity or out of just being nice.” Josh smiles just a little. “Plenty of people haven't passed.”

“I'm, uh, honored?” Tyler's eyes suddenly narrow. “Are you trying to drag me off that topic.”

Josh looks away from Tyler. “No…” Fear twists through him

It must show on his face. “Hey, I'm not mad. If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine.”

“I don't think I'm ready.” Josh confesses. 

“And that's okay.”

They sit in silence for a while, Tyler's hand moving at some point so his fingers link with Josh's. Spencer is lying down on top of Josh's feet again, tail thumping against the floor. 

Josh feels a sense of peace that he hasn't felt for a while, but the peace is still battling the ever-present fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some worrying shit next chapter, maybe even some more complications...


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **HEY  
>  SEE THAT ARCHIVE WARNING? YEAH.   
> IN THE SECOND ITALICS THERE IS A NONCON SCENE THAT CAN BE SKIPPED OVER. **
> 
> Stay safe!!!!!

Tyler is the one to break the silence. “I'm kind of hungry, are you?”

“A little.” Josh says. “I don't have anything, like, healthy and stuff. Just ramen and canned stuff.”

“So do I, I can't cook. It's fine, don't worry.” Tyler says. He stands up then holds out a hand to help Josh up. 

Josh takes it immediately and stands up on his own, steady on his legs. He's regained strength in all but his left arm.

_Josh woke up to fire still coursing through his left arm, the pain spreading across his body like stationary bolts of lighting. Tears welled up in his eyes and spilled over. Unconsciousness had not brought him relief upon wake._

_“Hello, Joshua. Nice to see you're back up.” **He** says. **He** sounds tired. “I was waiting for you to wake up.”_

_A sob spills out from between Josh's lips. “It… It hurts…”_

_**His** hand touches Josh's broken left arm and applies pressure in a way that Josh swears shifts something. He almost screams. “Don't. Talk.” **He** growls_

_Josh grits his teeth._

_“I know it hurts, baby. I've been trying to figure out how to fix it. I'll only hurt you intentionally when you're bad, okay?”_

_Josh bites back a response._

_**He** pushes gently, exploratory, at Josh's broken arm and Josh tries not to scream, unable to help the sobs that escape him. _

_“I'm letting you cry now.” **He** says. “Don't expect to be able to later.”_

_Josh cries harder._

His left arm is hurting. 

Tyler’s rubbing circles into the back of Josh's right hand. “Hey, spacey, come on back.” 

Josh nods, and then Tyler frowns. 

“Nonverbal right now?”

Josh nods again. 

“Alright.” Tyler looks concerned. “Want me to make stuff, or do you?”

Josh shrugs, trying to convey that he doesn't really care who does it. 

Tyler shuffles through cabinets while Josh watches. He seems to be looking for something, and Josh steps forward to help him when he trips over something on the floor. He hasn't been cleaning recently. 

He instinctively throws out his left arm to catch himself which he regrets as soon as his hand makes contact with the floor. His entire forearm blows up in pain and he cries out, crumpling to his left side and banging his head on the kitchen doorframe. 

The world goes dark. 

He wakes up to someone shining a light in his eyes, and he groans and shuts them again. 

“Sir?” Someone says, and it's a voice he slightly recognizes. He tenses to a deathly stillness. “Sir, please open your eyes for us.”

Josh twists away and cries out as a hand touches his face. He knows he's going to be punished, he knows it he knows but he doesn't want to, not right now, his head hurts and his arm hurts but he doesn't have a choice. 

Josh can't breathe. He can't force air down his throat. 

“Josh, Josh, hey.” That's Tyler. 

Josh opens his eyes to see Tyler looking down at him. 

“Josh, I called an ambulance since I couldn't wake you up after you fell. They're going to take you downstairs and into the ambulance. You're going to be just fine, alright?”

Josh stared at Tyler, then blinks once. He tries to relax, and lets his attention on what’s happening around him fade away.

_There’s no cuff around his left wrist. There's a bandage on his left forearm instead._

_Every time Josh moves, his chest shoots up in pain. So does his arm. So he's not moving._

_He's not breathing that well either, shallow ins and outs so that his ribs don't hurt. He thinks one or two are broken, but he can't be sure. He's not a doctor. He doesn't even have any medical training._

_Steps come down the stairs. Josh opens his eyes. It's no use pretending to sleep. **He** can always tell when he is. _

_“Ah, how's my pretty little Joshua doing?” **He** says with a smile. _

_Josh doesn't answer. He's not supposed to talk._

_“You've been so good lately, I think you deserve a reward.” **He** purrs, and Josh looks up at **him**. He has no idea what the reward could be._

_**He** kneels beside Josh’s near-immobile form, legs stretched out in front of him, head tilted back, left arm unmoving in his lap. **His** fingers trail up under Josh’s shirt and across his stomach. “God, you don’t know now beautiful you are.”_

_Josh tries to keep relaxed. Being touched. He can handle being touched this way, like they’re lovers. He just needs to keep still and not speak._

_He breathes evenly, shallowly, as fingers gently press into his skin. He tries to pretend it’s someone else doing it, but the fantasy doesn’t last for long._

_The fingers slip slightly under the waistband of the pants he’d been allowed to wear, and his breath hitches slightly._

_**He** chuckles, and Josh can’t tell the emotion behind it through the alarm bells going off in his brain._

_**He** tugs down Josh's pants so that they're around his thighs, and Josh tries to breathe. His boxers are tugged down in the same manner, and he can't breathe. _

_**He** wraps his hand around Josh's dick and does a soft stroke, and Josh almost gasps. The alarm bells get louder, every part of his body shouts ‘NO’ at what is happening._

_“Mm, you like that baby?” **He** whispers, other hand brushing across Josh’s cheek. _

_Josh does not like it, but he doesn't dare say anything. He'd prefer this over pain._

_The hand around his dick leaves, and then returns with a smoother stroke. Josh twitches, eyes squeezed shut._

_The words build up on his tongue, words of denial, of stopstopstop, but he doesn't even dare say it because he doesn't want to get hurt._

_Tears slip out of his eyes and travel down his cheeks. He represses all sounds._

_Josh could die right then, and he would be happier than he's ever been in his life._

_Death, however, isn't an option._

_At least not yet._

He comes back to the present with a jolt and a quiet cry. He’s lying down, and moving. Car. He’s being taken again

He stays still, taking in his surroundings more. It’s not the backseat of **his** car, that’s for certain. 

And he’s on what he thinks is a stretcher. He’s safe?

His left arm hurts. So does his head.

“Hey?” Josh says, and his voice sounds scratchy. He doesn’t know how it got that way. Was he screaming? He’s not sure.

“Hello.” There’s a nurse there, sitting beside Josh. “Glad to see you’re up.”

“I wasn’t asleep?” Josh squints slightly. “My arm hurts. So does my head.”

“Your arm hurts?”

“Yeah, I… I fell. And tried to catch myself with my arm. It’s been hurting a lot. I can’t use it very well.”

“Because you tried to catch yourself with it?”

“No. I think it’s because...” He forces out the next words. “Because it was broken.”

“How long ago?” She turns around to write something down.

“I… I don’t know.” Josh feels his heart sink. “At.. at least four months ago? Maybe five? I’m not sure.”

“Maybe something when wrong when it was put into a cast.”

“I didn't have a cast.”

Her eyebrows shoot upwards and her face takes on a look of surprise, but then it goes back to neutral and she scribbles something down. 

Josh stares at the ceiling and lets his mind fall away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally have no idea what I'm doing  
> Anyways, sTUFF  
> OH AND ALSO  
> there's a playlist for this fic and it follows the chronological tHINGS that will happen so here u have to copy paste sorry  
> 8tracks.com/minecraftwarcat/cant-take-it-on-my-own


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Nick.

Josh hates hospitals. He really, really hates hospitals. 

There's nothing to do, nothing to truly ground him, and he's found himself floating through memories as they do test after test, as they ask why he hasn't been to the hospital yet. One nurse asked him if he was really kidnapped, which made Josh fall into a panic attack more extreme than he’d had ever since Spencer had come into his life. 

Just the question had made him doubt himself. 

And then after more analysis a doctor had said that Josh's arm hadn't healed properly (he’d guessed that) and that up the best course would be to surgically rebreak it. 

Right. They were going to break his arm. Again. 

Josh didn't want to go through this. 

Nobody was there with him. Tyler had to work and so did Chris. Nick had texted and said that he'd visit soon, but soon took forever. 

His phone buzzed. 

Nick: ayyyy im here give me like a few minutes to check in

Nick: okay now theyre trying to find someone who knows sign language

Nick: gdi

Nick: #deafproblems

good luck

fluffy with you?

Nick: nope. today is a Good Day!!!!!!

Nick: shes at home with spencer

Nick: they found someone be right there

see ya

True to his word, in a few minutes Nick was entering the room with a smile on his face. He waved at Josh and Josh waved back. Nick sat on the chair beside Josh's hospital bed and took out his phone. 

Nick: i would ask if youre okay but youre in a hospital bed soooo

Josh snorted in laughter. Nick grinned. 

im as fine as I can be!!!!!!!!!

Nick: clam down on the !!!s

fine

they wanna rebreak my arm cause it healed wrong like i couldve told u that too

but!!! im alive and safe thats more important

Nick: dude okay

Nick: so chris knows andy hurley who knows pete wentz who knows ryan ross

Nick: and ryan thought you were dead

Nick: and he was one of the guys who was supposed to be looking for you

Nick: and when i heard this i was like “nah son josh is tougher than that”

im glad u believe in me

wait

pete and ryan are tylers coworkers

Nick: amazing

ryans a fucking asshole he touched my neck and then cursed at me when i panicked and attacked him

well not really attacked him just dug my nails into his arm

Nick: when was this

idk maybe 2 or 3 hours after i got out

Nick: shit man

Nick: anyways hospitals suck

yes they do

save me

some kid is screaming now help

Nick: #deafbenefits no screaming children

dude come on

Nick: is the truth

Nick: oh my god u know whats funny

Nick: sometimes i make negative comments about the military and people go all “how can u say that the army is the best thing ever it defends us”

Nick: like dude I have a purple heart

Nick: i served dont u think i would know how it is

ugh

my parents dont understand trauma at all because they havent experienced it and if they havent then no one has

like dad comes down stairs: panic attack

mom tosses me a water bottle: panic attack

i think im better now but staying with them for a week when i was only two weeks out was like hell

Nick: helicopters: panic attack

Nick: i know im safe but its still scary

Nick: that it in neurotypical words?

yeah

It's silent between them. Silent in the way that they aren't talking, that no texted words are being exchanged between them. Nick is the only person Josh knows that has any idea what he's been through, what flashbacks are like. Nick is one of two that understands triggers, Tyler is the other. 

Josh can feel tears welling up in his eyes. None of it was fair. He didn't deserve any of what happened to him. Nick didn't deserve what happened to him either. Nobody deserved bad things.

Josh grits his teeth as he begins to sob, shoulders curling forward, body shaking. It takes Nick a second to look up and notice, but when he does, he’s up by Josh’s side immediately, wrapping him in comforting arms.

It takes a long time for Josh to wind down, but Nick doesn’t seem to mind. Nick doesn’t mind much at all. He’s the new parent for everyone with shitty parents.

“Sorry.” Josh says once he’s pretty sure Nick is looking at his face. Nick must get it, because he nods and smiles, then says in a shaky, unsure voice. “Don’t worry about it, man.”

Josh nods, and then hugs Nick tight.

Nick leaves soon after and is replaced by Tyler, who looks half asleep and immediately begins talking about a murder case as soon as he sits down. Josh misses most of the details, but distinctly remembers Tyler talking for two solid minutes about a fancy knife found at the crime scene.

Eventually Tyler wears himself down into silence. Josh looks over, and Tyler's head is leaned backwards, breathing even. He's asleep. 

Josh smiles. Tyler is adorable. 

“Hey.” Josh reaches over and shakes Tyler awake. 

“Huh?” Tyler jumps. “What?” He looks around. “Oh… I fell asleep.”

“You did.” Josh smiled. “Come here.”

Tyler stands up beside Josh's bed. “What is it?”

Josh pulls Tyler down by the collar of his shirt and secures their lips together. 

The kiss is chaste, and last for only a few seconds. Any deeper, any longer, any more feeling behind it, Josh was almost sure he would have a panic attack. 

When they break apart, Tyler blinks a couple times. “Um.”

“You. Me. Coffee. After I get out of this hospital.” Josh says. 

“A date?” Tyler asks. He looks a little dazed. 

“Yes, a date.” Josh smiles and lets go of Tyler, who then sits back down. 

It takes Tyler a few seconds before the words click in his brain and he grins. “Cool!”

“We’re gonna go slow, if you can handle that.” Josh tries to relax, only now realizing the anxiety thrumming through his bones and twisting in his stomach. 

“Of course I can.” Tyler says. His smile softens. “Am I pressuring you?”

“No.” Josh says, and that ends the conversation. 

It's silent, before Tyler says “Have you ever been under anesthesia before?”

“No.” Josh's voice is shaky. “My… My arm’s going to be broken again, and I know it's not him that's going to have done it, but…”

“It's scary.” Tyler supplies. Josh nods. 

“And hardly anyone else gets it! Just Nick, you, and Chris to some extent. My parents don't understand…”

“Hey.” Tyler lays a hand on Josh's arm. “You're gonna be fine, okay? I promise. Nobody will hurt you while you're asleep.”

“That's not what I'm afraid of.” Josh whispers. **He** never did anything while Josh was asleep. 

“Then what are you afraid of?”

“I don't know.”

It's quiet after that. 

When Tyler leaves, Josh remains, with his fear running through his bloodstream. 

His rational mind knows that he's going to be safe. 

His fear doesn't. 

And the next day, when the mask is fitted over his mouth and nose and he's instructed to breathe, he is alone. 

So he lets the world slip away into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not happy with the ending, but I didn't know how else to wrap it up.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for more serious mentions of rape in the italics.

Josh wakes up, and he is afraid. 

Did **he** take him to a hospital? Did **he** claim to have found him like this? Maybe Josh's arm had gotten too bad, maybe it wasn't healing, maybe, maybe…

He starts to hyperventilate. 

“Joshua?” Someone’s beside him. Is it **him**? Josh can't tell and he lashes out with his right arm, his left one is broken and he can't use it and he's terrified, oh so terrified. 

“Joshua!” Someone grabs his arm and he yells, he's awake now and **he** is probably waiting, waiting, waiting until… until…

“Joshua, please breathe for us!”

He can't, there are hands and there are so many people, so many so many he is not safe he will be hurt he will be used he doesn't want to go back to the basement please don't bring him back please. 

His thoughts are being babbled aloud, pleading for whoever's there to not bring him back to the basement, to leave him alone, to let him be safe.

Someone lets go of his right arm and immediately Josh is trying to get up and escape and he almost makes it before hands press him back down to the bed, and something closes around his wrists and then his ankles and he screams in fear. 

He thrashes and tries to get out of whatever's holding him down. He yells and pleads to be left alone, to go home, to just let him be safe. He doesn't want to go back, don't take him back, please. 

His voice cuts off suddenly, because he remembers, he's making noise he is going to be punished. He squeezes his eyes shut and his body stills and tenses and he is oh so terrified. 

There's no hit. There's nobody flipping him over. There's no sharp pain of a knife. There's no hands shifting the broken bones of his arm. Just soft voices and soft footsteps. 

He doesn't relax, just stays a deathly still. 

“Joshua?”

He flinches. 

“Are you okay?”

He doesn't recognize the voice. 

He closes his eyes and then feels like his body is falling away from him, that he isn't in his body, that he is safe. He's only safe when he's not trying to stay. 

_Josh comes back to earth lying on his back, head tilted up so that he's staring at the ceiling. **He** is sitting beside his head, smiling. “Welcome back. Didn't know you had a subspace.”_

_Josh wants to bite back that he doesn't, that he was depersonalizing, but he doesn't speak._

_**He** cleans off Josh's stomach and thighs with a cloth while Josh stares at the ceiling, mapping the irregularities, and thinking about how he hadn't been able to dissociate from the **event** before. Before, he'd felt everything. This time, it was over and he hadn't really felt anything, pleasure or pain. Just… Nothing. _

_“I'm glad you liked it.” **He** whispers, pulling Josh's clothes back onto his body. “Maybe now I can bring you upstairs.”_

_Josh doesn't respond._

Josh opens his eyes when someone touches his right hand. 

It's Tyler. 

“Are you okay?” Tyler asks quietly. 

Josh blinks slowly. His left arm doesn't hurt, not really. He's still feeling dissociation-floaty. He's having trouble grounding himself. His arm is broken. 

“Josh?” Tyler says again, and Josh manages to nod. 

“You're safe, I promise.” Tyler kisses Josh's hand. 

Josh lets the world fly around him for the next few hours, and he only really comes to when he's in Tyler’s house. The TV is on, maybe has been for half an hour. Josh's left arm is in a sling. 

“I'm back.” He says to the air. 

Tyler walks in a second later. “Hey.”

“I'm… At your house.” Josh doesn't like Tyler's house very much. The only place to hide Tyler knows about already, and it always feels like something bad is watching him. 

“Yeah. The doctors suggested someone stay with you after… you freaked out.”

“I thought… I thought I was gonna be taken back to the basement and chained up again.” Josh says quietly. “And then they strapped me down because I was trying to run and… I was terrified.” He can feel tears forming in his eyes. 

Tyler sits beside Josh and begins to rub his back in wide circles. “I want to say sorry, but it's gonna sound empty.”

Josh nods. He looks up at Tyler and very gently places his right hand on Tyler's cheek, and without any warning kisses him. 

Their mouths are closed, at first, before Josh opens his and pushes Tyler back down onto the couch. The kiss becomes heated, and Josh feels like electricity is coursing through every nerve in his body. He makes sure nothing presses against his left arm. He's not scared because he's in control. 

Then Tyler flips him, and Josh is below. 

Tyler's being very careful not to put much weight on him but Josh is still scared, because he's trapped, trapped…

He breaks away with a soft gasp, eyes opening wide. Immediately Tyler gets off of him, and a second after that Josh gets up and bolts. 

He's not sure how, but he ends up stumbling down the basement stairs and then into a closet. 

There's blankets there, and old sleeping bags and pillows and Josh burrows under them and hides, surrounded by soft things. 

He can hear Tyler calling his name, and he's vaguely aware that his left arm kinda hurts and he's probably been doing things someone told him not to do when he was dissociating, but right now he doesn't care. 

Tyler won't think to look in the basement. Josh doesn't go into basements. 

But the fact that he's in a basement is heightening his panic, and he keeps remembering how eerily similar Tyler's house was laid out to **his**. 

Tyler isn't **him**. Their voices aren't the same, their houses aren't in the same area. Probably just the same designer. Josh is fine. 

Tyler comes down the stairs calling his name, and Josh tries to see if he can hide further. He's evening out his breathing, he's coming down from the anxiety and panic on his own, he's doing so good. 

The closet door opens. 

Josh is hidden, but he's pretty sure Tyler can tell that he's there. 

“Josh?” Comes Tyler's quiet voice. “I'm… I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry.” He sounds very apologetic, and also very worried. 

Josh slowly peeks out from under the blankets. 

“Josh.” Tyler crouches down, letting out a sigh of relief. “Can I… Join you?”

Josh blinks a couple times, then nods. 

Tyler crawls into the closet and shuts the door behind him. He gets under the mound of soft things, but keeps a bit of a distance from Josh. “I shouldn't have flipped us.”

“S’okay.” Josh mumbles. “Just wanna know why.”

Josh thinks Tyler is wringing his hands. “It's not that important. I'll be fine.”

Josh nods, and then moves so that he's next to Tyler. “I think I'm going to fuck up my arm again.”

Tyler laughs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theres dogs

Josh wakes up with his neck bent at an odd and painful angle and his left arm hurting. He almost panics before he realizes that he’s not in a more open space, he’s covered in blankets, and there’s another person sleeping beside him.

Tyler’s adorable when he’s asleep. His mouth is open slightly and he snores quietly. Josh watches him for a while before he realizes that doing that was probably really creepy. He’s slowly been working his social skills back up. It’s a slow process.

Josh gently shakes Tyler awake. “Hey.”

Tyler opens his eyes halfway. “Hello. What time is it?” His voice is slurred from sleep

Josh pulls out his phone and turns it on, squinting at the too-bright screen. “About five in the morning.”

“Mmkay.” Tyler says quietly. “Sleep time.” He's out again like a light. 

Josh looks at him for a few seconds, before shrugging and turning his phone brightness down. 

He plays games until six (mostly candy crush) and then shakes Tyler awake again. “Dude. When do you have to go to work.”

“Seven.” Tyler groans, and tries to go farther into the blankets. 

“It's six right now.” Josh says. “You gotta get up.”

“Nooooo…” Tyler whines. 

“Up.” Josh says. “No missing work. I bet you have important things to do like investigating murders and shit.”

“Murders are boring.” Tyler groans. 

Josh laughs loudly, shoving his face into a pillow to muffle himself. 

“What??” Tyler protests, more awake now, and Josh just laughs harder. 

“Murders.” Josh gasps for breath. “Boring.”

Tyler's confused expression sends Josh into more laughter. “What??? It’s the truth. They get boring when you see more than five.” He crosses his arms and pouts. 

Josh is gasping for breath, which makes Tyler smile and even laugh a little. “Silly.”

“You're the silly one!” Josh says, once he can breathe properly enough to form words. 

Tyler grins. “I'm awake now. Let's get up and eat food and stuff.”

“If you have stuff for pancakes, I can make pancakes.” Pancakes are the only thing Josh is good at making, and not burning. Most of the time. 

“Yeah, I have stuff for pancakes.” Tyler yawns, then stands up and pushes open the closet door. He hold his hand out to Josh. 

It only takes a moment before Josh grabs Tyler's hand and pulls himself to his feet. 

Josh almost runs upstairs before remembering that he has to keep cool, that he has to look okay. He still goes quickly up the stairs, anxiety and fear chasing at his heels. 

Tyler’s smiling as he gets up the stairs. “I'm gonna go take a shower. Don't burn my house down.”

Josh salutes, and then heads into the kitchen. 

It takes him a few minutes to find something to actually cook the pancakes in. He can hear the shower running, and catches a few bits of melody. Tyler’s always refused to sing for him, saying his voice was bad. Josh is fully prepared to tell him the opposite. He loves Tyler's singing voice. 

He hopes Tyler doesn't ask anything about loving the rest of him when he tells him. Josh isn't really to say he loves Tyler, not even close. He likes Tyler romantically. Not even sexually yet. No part of him is ready for this, and he has explicit orders from his therapist to not push himself for sex, or even romance. 

Josh is still pushing himself, but nobody needs to know that. 

He's finally making the actual pancakes when Tyler stumbles in, rubbing his eyes. He's fully dressed in a button down shirt and nice pants, a tie hung loosely around his shoulders. 

“They're chocolate chip.” Josh says when Tyler looks quizzically at the pancakes. “I like chocolate.”

Tyler nods in agreement. “I forgot I had chocolate chips.”

Josh flips the pancakes. “Lucky I found them.”

The silence between them is heavy. 

“I'm sorry.” Tyler blurts out. 

Josh nods. “It's okay. Don't worry.” He's not sure what Tyler is apologizing for, but it's better to accept the apology then say that there's nothing wrong. 

Tyler smiles. “Are they done yet?”

“Just a moment. Do we need plates, or will fingers work?”

“Eating pancakes with fingers is the best thing.”

Josh grins. Tyler grins back. 

They end up eating the pancakes with their fingers, Tyler tearing off pieces and eating them while Josh tried to see how big of a bite he could take at once. It's not the best way to eat, but it makes Tyler laugh, so it's worth it. 

Josh loves Tyler's smile. Tyler doesn't smile very often, so it's always the best smile. At least, that's in Josh's opinion. Chris would argue that Josh has the best smile. 

Tyler checks his watch. He always has one on. “Six forty. We should go. I'll take you back to your apartment.”

Josh nods and smiles. 

The car ride to Josh's apartment is filled with jokes and laughter and good-natured teasing. Tyler reminds Josh that he owes him coffee several times. Josh says they can go tomorrow when Tyler gets off work. 

Josh takes the stairs two at a time up to his apartment. Anxiety burns in his stomach. He feels a little sick. He's not sure why, he's anxious, maybe because he’ll be alone. Being alone gives him a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach, maybe because of the lack so pressure on his wrists and ankles. 

Maybe it's because he's been reading article after article about Stockholm syndrome lately. He doesn't have it, he knows that, but he's still scared. 

He's scared of everything nowadays. 

His phone buzzes. 

Nick: so when do u want ur dog

now would be nice

Nick: i am going to come over with TWO dogs

nice

There's a knock on the door about ten minutes later, and Josh opens it to Nick, Spencer, and Fluffy. Spencer immediately darts in and leans against his legs, looking up at him as if begging for attention. 

Josh kneels down and begins to rub his right hand across her back. “Hey girl, did ya miss me?”

Spencer licks his face. 

Nick shuts the door and smiles at Josh, raising his hands to sign. ‘Good to see you.’ His sign language is messy, prosthetic right arm not having as much mobility as Nick would like. 

Josh can understand a lot, but can't sign all of it. Also, his left arm is in a sling. Communication is going to be difficult. 

He decides on a wave and a smile. 

Nick laughs a little. ‘This is going to go well.’

Josh nods, then goes back to petting Spencer. 

Fluffy bounds over, probably at the release of Nick, and tries to push her head under Josh's hand. 

Josh grins, turning his attention to her, which makes Spencer whine and try to get the attention back. 

Nick must feel pity, because he kneels down and starts to pet Spencer vigorously. Spencer tries to lick his face. 

Josh decides that he might be a dog person after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF BEFORE THE SOUL CRUSHING ANGST  
> also someone please draw Josh with two dogs


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soul-crushing has been postponed. 
> 
> Still angst tho

**_Two months later_ **

_He wants to go home._

Spencer pulls open the cabinet with her paw and whines. 

Josh is wedged as far back as he can go, legs pulled up to his chest and head down. He's hyperventilating and sobbing, body shaking. 

Spencer gets most of her body into the cabinet, and then begins to gently lick Josh's hands. He lifts his head as he lashes out at her, eyes wide with fear. 

Spencer retreats, going to the phone that's set up so that she can call anyone in an emergency like this, where Josh is terrified of any kind of contact, any kind of help. 

She ends up pushing the button for speed dialing Tyler, and the phone picks up. 

That means Tyler is on his way. 

Spencer goes back over to the cabinet and sits in front of it with her head inside, gently nosing Josh whenever he seems to be getting too bad. 

Tyler bursts through the door and practically runs into the kitchen, kneeling down beside Spencer. “Josh?”

Josh doesn't respond. His face is hidden in his knees again. 

Tyler slowly reaches out, as if approaching a frightened, cornered animal. Josh jerks when Tyler touches him. 

“Come on out, it's okay.” Tyler whispers, gently lacing his fingers with Josh's right hand. “Nobody’s going to hurt you.”

Josh looks up at Tyler, eyes hazy with fear and confusion. 

“It's okay, you're safe, come on out.” Tyler keeps up a steady stream of reassurances. Josh doesn't move, just stared with glazed-over eyes. The only things that suggest he's alive are the tears streaming down his cheeks and the short, short breaths he takes. 

Josh's eyes begin to clear as Spencer pushes her way into the cabinet and starts to lick his face. 

“Do you want to come out?” Tyler asks quietly. 

Josh shakes his head slowly. 

“It doesn't seem very comfortable in there.” Tyler says. “Would you like me to get you some blankets? Or maybe a lot of blankets and pillows and things. You could make a nest.”

Josh nods. 

Tyler starts to get up, but Josh tightens his grip on Tyler's hand. 

“Should I stay instead?” Tyler whispers.

Josh nods. There are tears in his eyes. 

“Okay.” Tyler sits down. 

Spencer is still nosing Josh, whining softly. 

Tyler uses his free hand to pet her. “Good girl.”

Josh shifts forwards. “Wanna come out.” His voice is as rough and scratchy as when Tyler first found him. 

“Alright.” Tyler smiles gently. He really does have kind eyes, Josh notes. 

He crawls out slowly, not letting go of Tyler's hand. His left arm is held close to his chest, even without the sling making that happen. It was a habit that Josh had formed. 

Josh stands on shaky legs, eyes darting around nervously. Tyler is reminded again of the first time he met Josh. The fear on his face is almost the same. 

“Where do you want to go?” Tyler asks. 

Josh starts walking slowly. He's still shaking, still not breathing properly. Spencer is winding her way around his legs like a cat. 

“Your room?” Tyler asks.

Josh nods. He looks like he's about to fall over. 

“Come on.” Tyler works his hand out of Josh's grip before moving quickly to slip his arm under Josh's shoulders.

Josh lets out a squeak. 

“Shh, it's okay, I'm just helping you stay up.”

Josh leans heavily on Tyler as they stumble to his room. Josh collapses on his bed and burrows under the blankets and sheets. 

Tyler gets under them slowly, waiting for any sign from Josh that he shouldn't. There's none, so Tyler wraps himself around Josh's curled form. 

Josh is still shaking.

“It's tomorrow.” Tyler says. He needs no explanation for why Josh is this upset.

Josh uncurls only for long enough to turn around and bury his face into Tyler's chest. 

Tyler gently places a kiss on the top of Josh's head. “I'll be there, remember? If he says anything, I'll…” He doesn't know how to finish the threat. 

Josh sniffs and nods slightly. 

They stay like that, Tyler wrapped around Josh, for a long time before Josh falls asleep. 

Tyler doesn't sleep, just watches Josh. At first he's relaxed, but then he shudders violently, a tiny whimper escaping. 

There's a whine from Spencer in the corner of the room. 

Josh shakes again, moving as if trying to push Tyler away. 

Spencer jumps up onto the bed and presses her paws into Josh side before nosing under the blankets to his face. 

Josh wakes up with a start, pushing hard at Tyler's chest, eyes wide and afraid. 

“Hey, Josh, it's just me.” Tyler whispers, loosening his arms so Josh can sit up. Spencer presses her head into his lap. 

Josh closes his eyes, resting his hand on Spencer's head. “I can't face him again.”

“I'll protect you.” Tyler whispers. 

“I'm sorry, but that's not enough.” Josh opens his eyes and looks down at Spencer.

“I know.” Tyler says. 

They stay like that for a while, Josh petting Spencer while Tyler watches. Eventually Josh tells Spencer to go back to the floor. 

“Tyler…” Josh doesn't know how to phrase the question. “We should, uh.” He takes a deep breath. “We should have sex.”

Tyler sits up. “Are you sure?” He doesn't sound eager, rather… Concerned. 

Josh nods. There are tears in his eyes. 

“No.” Tyler says. “I don't want to.”

“Huh?” Josh looks up at Tyler. 

“I'm not… I'm not ready.” Tyler twists his hands together. “If you are, that's… That's okay. But I'm not.”

“But in most relationships people have had sex by now…” Josh let's the tears spill out of his eyes. He's not crying because of the rejection. 

“We aren't most relationships.” Tyler cups Josh's cheek with his hand and swipes away a tear with his thumb. Josh doesn't know how Tyler knew he was crying. “Are you pressuring yourself?”

“No.” Josh says. His voice is clogged with tears. 

Tyler presses his thumb into Josh's cheek. “Tell me the truth.”

“Yes.” Josh says, and oh god, he's crying again. 

Tyler pulls him in close, letting him cry into his shoulder. “It's okay. It'll be okay. You'll be okay.”

“Tell me the truth.” Josh gets out through his tears. 

Tyler stays silent, rubbing circles into Josh's back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ate a picture of Tyler Joseph today  
> Three days after he and Josh tOUCHED MY HAND


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIAL TRIAL TRIAL TRIAL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM RUNNING ON SO LITTLE SLEEP

Spencer stays very very close to Josh as they walk into the courtroom. 

Josh keep his eyes down on the floor, one hand white knuckled on Spencer’s leash, the other almost crushing all the bones in Tyler's hand as he's lead to his seat. He'd have his eyes closed, but he need to be able to see where he's stepping. 

Tyler sits him down in a seat in front of a table. “There are cameras.” He says. 

“Find my mom. Tell her to make them leave. I'm not a plot point for her shitty TV show.” Josh stares at his lap. He lets go of Tyler's hand. 

“Alright.” Tyler says, and walks off. Josh raises his head to watch him, very firmly trying not to look at **him**.

 **He’s** right there. 

Josh looks at **him** , and oh god, **he’s** staring at Josh with an expression that Josh can only describe as want. Josh looks away quickly, trying to breathe normally. Spencer whines and nudges her head against his hand.

Josh looks at the entrance to the courtroom and sees Nick and Chris entering. Nick has Fluffy walking beside him on a leash and Chris is rapidly 

Josh looks at **him** again, and **he’s** smiling like **he’s** gotten something **he** wanted.

Josh is getting chills. Their gazes lock. 

**His** smile drops, **his** expression softens, like **he** cares about Josh, like **he** regrets what **he's** done. 

Josh looks away. He can feel tears forming in his eyes. He's not ready for this trial. He's not ready to speak in front of **him**. 

He has to. 

The room begins to quiet down as Josh's lawyer, a woman named Lynn Gunn, sits beside him. Josh looks around the room. The cameras are gone. 

Thank god. 

Josh catches Tyler's face in the crowd, sitting near Nick and Chris. 

Lynn gets up. 

“Hello.” She says, and somehow sounds informal. “I think everyone knows why they're here, so I don't think I need to explain.”

Josh gently strokes his hand across the top of Spencer's head. 

“This man.” Lynn gestures to **him**. “Has been accused of kidnapping and raping Josh Dun. At first, it was thought the kidnapping was for ransom, as most people know of the Dun family. Kidnapping one of them or one of their children would be an easy way to get millions in ransom. But as time went on, it was obvious this was not the case.”

Josh is watching **him**. **He** seems to be paying close attention to what Lynn is saying. 

“The police get a call more than five months later, which leads them to a house in the middle of nowhere, only inhabited by one person. Inside is the accused, sitting in the living room like nothing's wrong. Also inside is the victim, locked in the basement, unwilling to talk, hesitant with everyone, ecstatic to be free of the chains around his wrists and ankles. Once free, he's plagued with nightmares. He needs a service dog to help with his panic attacks, unable to manage his mental state, all because of what the accused has put him through.”

Josh looks at Chris. Their eyes meet for a few seconds before Chris goes back to concentrating on translating what Lynn is saying into sign language. 

“And what exactly was the condition, what did he have to endure in that basement? Hand-cuff like chains locked around his wrists and ankles, attaching him to the wall. He was locked in those for all hours of the day, even as his broken left arm was healing. In fact, he was only unlocked in order to be raped repeatedly.”

Josh can feel tears forming in his eyes. He's not sure why, but he somehow feels humiliated. What happened to him is being exposed in front of so many people. He feels far too uncomfortable with the proceedings. He wishes **he** had just pleaded guilty. What even was **his** defense? There was no way that **he** would possibly end up innocent. 

He tunes out the rest of Lynn’s speech in favor of tying not to slide under the table and petting Spencer. He's not sure how much time he spends running his fingers through Spencer's fur, but he's jolted back into reality when she stops speaking and sits down. 

**His** lawyer stands up. 

“Truly sad, they way you've described what happened.” His name is Brent Wilson. Something about him reminds Josh of a slug. “But, of course, that's just your twist of the facts.”

Josh thinks he might throw up, so as soon as Brent starts speaking, he tunes it out. His speech takes less time than Lynn’s, and it seems obvious some people are uneasy with it. Josh doesn't want to know what he said. He doesn't want to know what **he** claims. 

“I'd like to call the first witness to the stand.” Lynn stands up again. “Dallon Weekes.”

Someone that reminds Josh of a giraffe (tall and lanky) stands up and makes his way to the witness stand. 

He's sworn in, and then the questioning begins. 

“When did you first suspect that someone was being held in the accused’s basement?”

“Maybe two months after the kidnapping.” Dallon seems very anxious. He keeps glancing at **him**. The glare that **he** keeps leveled at Dallon makes Josh want to sit under the table and hide. Spencer pushes her head under his hand for more pets. 

“What made you suspect this?”

“He had a lot of bottled water in the fridge. He doesn't like to drink bottled water.” Dallon blushes, a light pink spreading across his cheeks. “So I thought maybe he was dating someone, and I asked and he said yes.”

Josh sucks in a breath, fingers tightening in Spencer's fur. 

“So, I don't know if I can count that as knowing he had kidnapped someone, but that was the first I knew of him doing strange things. His basement in unfinished, so, um, people really went in it, but he seemed really adamant about people not going down there.” Dallon takes a slow, deep breath, then lets it out. “But, um, I knew that he had Josh down there about four months after the kidnapping.” He seems very reluctant to say more. 

“How did you know?”

“I was shown him.” 

A murmur floods the room. Josh closes his eyes and tries to remember to breathe. 

“I, uh.” Dallon’s eyes dart around the room, looking everywhere but at **him** and Josh. “Well, he took he into the basement, said he had something to show me. So, I go with him, and he's got someone chained up down there.” He laughs nervously. “Um, I first I thought, okay, your partner likes to be locked in the basement. Weird, but I can roll with that. And then we step closer, and he makes a noise of disappointment, cause it looks like whoever is chained up is asleep.”

Josh flexes his hands in Spencer’s fur. He thinks he might throw up. 

“Um.” Dallon seems to be so anxious he's going to burst out of his skin. “He said that, uh, if the chained guy was awake, we could've had some… fun. Which I now think meant sex.” His hands are white knuckled. “I should've gone to the police as soon as I got home that day, but I didn't. It took me almost a month to finally place why the guy in the basement had seemed familiar.” He lets out a shaky breath. “And then I called and gave the address.”

There's tears running down Josh's cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyy so for some reason I thought it would be cool to make Josh from this verse a blog so it's at [unknownneverlasts](http://unknownneverlasts.tumblr.com)
> 
> send asks! interact with josh! have fun!!
> 
> I also recommend checking out the [/tagged/boyfriend](http://unknownneverlasts.tumblr.com/tagged/boyfriend) on there as well


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning for self harm at the beginning

Josh shuts the door of his bathroom and sits on the floor. 

Something’s been clogging his lungs all day, making his breaths short. **His** staring just made it worse, and Josh wanted to die. He wanted to sink into the ground and choke on dirt and suffocate and die. 

He pulls open a drawer and gets out his pack of disposable razors. He doesn't think twice before pulling one out, pushing down his pants, and beginning to cuthis skin. 

Old scars, fresh cuts, and scabs litter his thighs, a mark of the past four months. This is the only way he knows how to deal with everything. His therapist gives him coping mechanisms that don't work, so he doesn't use them. 

He hasn't seen his therapist in almost a month. 

Blood runs out of the red slices in his skin.

He tries not to cut too deep, he doesn't want to go to the hospital. 

The pain is all he can focus on, his thoughts fading to a comfortable buzz, a cloud drifting across the sun of his thoughts. 

The door opens. 

Josh doesn't stop cutting until gentle hands take the razor out of his own. Josh becomes aware that there are tears streaming down his cheeks, that blood is beginning to puddle on the floor. 

There are so many fresh cuts. He's never done this many at one time before. 

“Josh?” It's Tyler. Josh stares at the blood dripping onto the floor. 

“Josh, please look at me.”

Josh doesn't. A sob spills out of his throat. 

Gentle hands with a gentle cloth wipe the blood off the floor and off his thighs. Josh just shakes as he cries silently, because it hurts, and he knows some are deeper than he should've let himself cut, and it isn't the good kind of pain anymore now that Tyler can see, now that Tyler knows. 

“I'm not gonna take you to the hospital, if that's what you're afraid of.” Tyler says quietly. He spreads antibiotic across a cut before pressing a gauze pad to it. 

Josh stares as Tyler gently bandages up the cuts, tears still dripping out of his eyes and chasing each other down his cheeks. 

“There.” Tyler says as he finishes. Some of the first ones he did now show spots of blood. 

Tyler stands up and holds out a hand. 

Josh looks up at him. It takes him a minute before he grabs Tyler's hand and gets to his feet. 

Tyler guides Josh into his bedroom and sets him down on the bed. “It's been too much of a day. You need to eat, and then you need to sleep. I'm gonna bring you some food, okay?”

Josh nods. 

Tyler leaves. 

Josh burrows under the covers on his bed, only letting his head stay in the air so he can breathe. Spencer jumps up on the bed and lies down beside him, resting her head on his chest. Josh gently strokes her, staring at his ceiling. 

Josh doesn't remember what Tyler gives him for food, he just knows that Tyler feeds it to him while he stares at the ceiling and doesn't think. Spencer gets off the bed during that time, the only thing Josh is really aware of; he reaches out to pet her and she's gone. 

Tyler's hands carding through his hair brings Josh back enough to earth for his eyes to not look glazed over. 

“Can we talk?” Tyler asks. There must be some change in Josh that he notices. Tyler has become very attuned to Josh, what Josh does, and what Josh's needs are. 

Josh thinks he nods. His head moves that way, at least. 

“How long have you been self harming?” Tyler asks.

Josh's voice feels like he's just been pulled out of **his** basement. “Four months.”

Tyler places a gentle kiss on Josh's cheek. His lips linger there, and Josh feels a shiver work its way down his spine. 

He shifts and turns his head so that their mouths meet. 

The kids is gentle, unhurried, neither of them dominant or submissive. Their noses are pressed next to each other; Josh finds that he's having a little difficulty breathing, but he doesn't care. 

One of Tyler's hands moves and presses against Josh's back, the other staying trapped in between their bodies. 

Josh pulls back and opens his eyes, face still close enough to Tyler's that their noses brush. 

Tyler moves his hand from Josh's back to cup his face. “Are you doing this for yourself, or for me?”

“Both. Tyler, I…” Josh isn't sure how to phrase what he wants. “I want to try something… sexual, but like, not actual sex, I want to see if I can even do stuff like that anymore, I-” he cuts himself off by pressing a hand to his mouth. 

Tyler looks at Josh for a moment. “Okay, but you have to promise me something.”

“Yes?”

“Don't hurt yourself anymore.”

Josh blinks a couple times, then nods. “Okay. I won't.”

“Tell me if you want to stop, okay?” Tyler says. 

Josh nods.

They kiss again, this time more heatedly. Tyler nips at Josh's lower lip to make him whine, and Josh licks his way into Tyler's mouth. Again, neither is dominant nor submissive, and something about that feels decidedly safe to Josh. Neither is uncomfortable and afraid because neither is in a position of power. 

Tyler moves a hand to grind his palm against Josh's crotch, and the friction makes Josh gasp into his mouth. 

Tyler does it again, and Josh breaks the kiss to press his face into a pillow. He feels like a virgin again, everything is almost too much yet not enough. 

“You okay?” Tyler whispers, and Josh gasps out a yes. 

Josh doesn't think he can reciprocate, not yet, because his brain in way too preoccupied with Tyler pulling down his boxers and stroking his dick, the lack of lube almost hurting. 

Josh grunts, and then watches as Tyler licks his hand and wraps it around Josh's dick again. 

Josh moans embarrassingly loudly, hiding his face in his pillow. His hips buck unwillingly into Tyler's fist, and then Tyler removes his hand. 

Josh almost whines at the loss, and then he hears Tyler unzip his jeans and his breath catches in his throat. 

“You okay?” Tyler asks. Josh can hear him push his jeans and boxers down his legs. 

“Yeah.” Josh says weakly. Everything feels like it's just on the edge of too much, and he can't really think straight. All he can think about is Tyler. 

“Okay.” Tyler says. 

Josh feels more than sees Tyler press their dicks together, and he can't help the moan that follows. Tyler jacks the two of them off together, and Josh is pretty sure he's going to die. 

He cums just a few moments later, moaning out Tyler's name, body spasming. 

Everything feels hazy for a few moments afterwards. Tyler only makes a small noise when he comes, forehead bumping into Josh's. 

“Josh.” Tyler says quietly, after he comes back down. “I love you.”

_“God, I love you.” **He** says through a moan. _

_Josh doesn't respond, and instead focuses on hollowing his cheeks and trying not to choke._

“Josh?” Tyler whispers. 

“I can't, I can't, I can't say it back, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry” Josh raises his hands to cover his face and repeats I'm sorry over and over and over, trying to drown out his own thoughts. 

Tyler pets Josh's hair until his voice dies down. “Come on. Let's get a shower.”

“You're not mad?” Josh whispers, voice hoarse. 

“No.” Tyler says. “I'm not, I promise. We should shower. Come on.”

Josh follows Tyler out of his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didnt know whether i was gonna hav tyler find out josh was cutting during handjobs or walking in on him and i thought ppl would appreciate mor porn


	15. Chapter 15

_Josh is dragged out of the water with a sudden motion. He coughs, and water comes out, dribbling down his chin as he struggles to breathe._

_“What the hell were you doing?” **He** spits, holding Josh up by his hair as his body convulses, trying to get the water out of his lungs. _

_Josh gasps in a full breath before coughing again, unable to respond._

_His face is suddenly slammed against the floor before he's pulled back up. “Answer me.” **He's** staring at Josh, face twisted with anger. _

_“I wanna die.” Josh gasps, and then he's pushed back down to the floor._

Josh wakes up to Tyler holding him close. 

His head is almost pressed into Tyler’s chest, and everything feels very distinctly safe. Everything is soft, everything is the opposite of his dream.

Josh doesn't realize he's crying until Tyler's hand moves to wipe away his tears. “It’ll be okay.”

Tyler begins to sing quietly, and it lulls Josh back to sleep. 

The next day in the courtroom, Josh stares at the judge. He knows what's coming. He doesn't think he can handle it. 

Chris is called to the witness stand. 

He signs as he speaks. “I'm going to use sign language as I talk so that my deaf friend can understand what is being said.”

Chris is sworn in, and then the questioning begins. 

“What happened on March sixteenth, 2015?”

Chris takes a shaky breath. “It was a normal day at the music store where we work, a few customers coming in to buy things like new guitar strings, vinyls, CDs, that sort of stuff. Um, it was about mid afternoon when this car pulled up right in front of the shop, you can see the door from the cash register, and, um.” Chris pauses, swallows, looks at the ground. “This guy got out, and he was dressed in all black, and he carried a gun.”

There’s a soft whisper throughout the room. Josh squeezes his eyes shut. 

“He came into the store, pointed it at Josh, and said ‘come with me.’ And Josh said no, and then he pointed the gun at me and repeated his command. Josh… Josh looked so afraid as he stepped forwards, raising his hands up. As soon as he was close enough the masked guy grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the store.” Chris has to drop his hands from signing for a moment. His whole body is quivering, like he's going to shake apart if he's not careful. 

Josh slides out of his seat and sits under the table. 

“Josh was pushed into the back of the car, and then he was hit with the gun. I think it knocked him out.”

It had. 

“And then the guy got back in and drove away. I grabbed the phone we use for emergencies and called 911. The police showed up pretty soon after and I tried to give a description of the car, but it wasn't enough for them to find him.”

Spencer rests her head in Josh's lap. He slowly runs his hands over her fur. 

“Did Josh tell you that this event would happen beforehand?” A question that has Josh's entire body tensing up. 

“No.” The answer from Chris is sharp, quick, as if he's insulted that that might even be a possibility. 

Chris is dismissed from the stand. 

Someone says that they will be showing video to support the accused, and then the lights dim. 

Josh looks out from under the table to see what looks like night vision footage of a basement. There's a figure in the corner, and he stops breathing once he realizes it's him. 

Light trickled into the basement from a door open at the top of the stairs. **His** voice sounds. “Hey, Joshua.”

Josh can't breathe. He can't physically sick air into his lungs. His eyes are glued to the video. 

Josh watches himself strain towards **him** , as if trying to get contact. 

_Josh hadn't had human contact for too long. **He** must've been taking down food and water when Josh was asleep. Josh craved anyone, another voice, some light. All he could see was darkness, all he could really feel was the chains and the floor and the walls. It was the worst kind of hell. _

_The door cracks open and light floods into his dark prison. **He** speaks. “Hey, Joshua.”_

_Josh nearly sobs, but remembers he has to stay quiet._

_**He** walks up to Josh and kneels down, cupping his cheek with **his** hand. Josh presses into the touch, reveling in the fact that he's no longer alone. _

_Reality isn't setting in yet._

Someone’s holding his hand and whispering his name. “Josh. Josh. Josh.”

Josh looks at them, unseeing. He pulls his hand away from their touch. Something’s filling his lungs, making him unable to take in a full breath. When he tries, there's too much pressure. It hurts, almost. 

“Josh.”

The someone is Tyler. 

There are tears burning in Josh's eyes, and embarrassment burns in his stomach. He thinks he's going to throw up. 

“Do you need to leave?” Tyler asks. 

Josh nods. 

Tyler leads him out of the courtroom with a quick word to the judge, Spencer trailing behind. 

“What do you need?” Tyler asks. His voice is so quiet, so soft. 

There's a bathroom. Josh almost runs to it, pushing open the door and going into a stall. He drops to his knees and throws up into the toilet. 

Tyler rubs his back as Josh's body convulses, as if his body is trying to rid itself of what he's done. Josh is reminded of withdrawl, but this time it's not the lack of something causing the vomiting.

His body continues to convulse even when there's nothing left. Even though it hurts, it's a pain Josh knows how to deal with. 

Tyler’s fingers are twitching and drumming against his back instead of rubbing. Josh isn't sure why, but the motion is still as soothing. 

Josh sits back once he's sure he's no longer throwing up. Tyler’s hand stills against his back. 

“You okay?” Tyler asks. 

Josh shakes his head. 

“Right. Dumb question.” Josh can feel Tyler stand up. “Do you want to go back in?”

Josh shakes his head. 

“Alright.” Tyler says. He holds out a hand for Josh. 

It takes a couple minutes for Josh to take it and get to his feet. “Wanna go home.”

“I don't know if I can take you home. There's a place here we can sit, though. You can lie down and rest your head on my lap and sleep until we can leave, alright?”

Josh nods, and follows Tyler out. He has a tight grip on Tyler’s hand. 

There's a sitting area that Tyler leads him to, with couches, and Tyler sits on the end of one and gestures for Josh to lie down. He does, resting his head on Tyler's lap as a pillow. Tyler's hands move to twitch and fidget with Josh’s hair, and he hums something that’s not a song, just almost-random notes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a couple things I want people to notice in this and if you notice them you will make me v happy so


	16. Chapter 16

Josh doesn't dream. 

He wakes up in the same position, head on Tyler's lap. Through the lifting fog of sleep he can hear Tyler and someone else talking. Tyler sounds angry, and Josh can feel his body shaking. 

Tyler's scary when he's angry. Josh closes his eyes and hopes to go back to sleep. 

He doesn't. 

“You must think this manipulation game is clever.” That's not Tyler's voice, it's a voice so akin to **his** it sends icy fingers crawling up his spine and makes burning handprints press into his inner thighs. 

“It's not manipulation, it's just his reaction.” Tyler’s voice conveys clear anger. 

“He should control his reaction, because it really looks like he's manipulating the jury.”

“PTSD isn't a controllable reaction.”

“PTSD isn't even a thing, it's a lie to get pity from people.”

Josh freezes. It feels like every muscle in his body is tensed to the point where they shake. 

Tyler's voice comes out low, anger in every syllable and every shape of his words. His tone could make gods tremble, could make entire armies turn and run. “Leave. Now.”

And the other does.

Tyler's voice is very soft and drained when he speaks again. “Josh, are you okay?”

There are tears dripping out from under Josh's closed eyelids. He’s shaking, trying not to let any noise escape him.

Tyler wipes them away very gently. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

Josh tries not to flinch at Tyler’s touch, but does anyways. Tyler immediately withdraws his hand. 

Josh shivers, trying to curl his body up so that he's smaller. 

“Can I touch you?” Tyler asks. Josh’s head is still on his lap. 

Josh nods. 

One of Tyler’s hands gently touches Josh’s shoulder and slowly begins to rub circles into his skin. The repetitive motion is calming, and Josh’s shaking form slowly begins to still. 

“I think we can leave here now.” Tyler says quietly. “Do you want me to take you back to your apartment, or do you want to go to my house?”

Josh doesn't think he can speak, doesn't think he can open his eyes. 

“Tap once for apartment, twice for my house.”

Josh taps once. 

“Okay.” Tyler’s other hand gently cards through Josh's hair, pulling out the tangles. “Can you get up? It's okay if you can't.”

Josh opens his eyes slowly, and at the same speed pushes himself upright. He doesn't look at Tyler. He can't bring himself to. 

Tyler stands up and holds out a hand for Josh. Josh stares at the three bands tattooed around his wrist for a minute before taking Tyler’s hand and getting to his feet. 

He doesn't let go of Tyler’s hand. 

Tyler leads Josh outside, and Josh is reminded of their first meeting as soon as he sees the amount of people outside. Cameras flash and take photos, and Josh feels very uncomfortably exposed. 

Tyler must be too, because he looks back at Josh and smiles softly. “It'll be okay. Nobody is going to hurt you.” His voice is soothing. 

_Josh shakes in the corner, eyes closed, held-back sobs burning a hole in his throat._

_**He** sings softly, hands running through Josh's hair and pulling out the tangles. Every so often there's a snip of scissors, and a piece of Josh's hair is put into a paper bag. _

_“Lazy lover, find a place for me again.” **His** voice is almost a murmur. It would be soothing if Josh wasn't so terrified. “You felt it once before, I know you did, I could see it…”_

Josh is sitting in the back of Tyler’s car. He's shaking violently. 

He doesn't dare make a sound. There's a burning in his throat. 

Tyler doesn't seem to notice his distress. 

_“Backseat serenade, dizzy hurricane, oh god I'm sick of sleeping alone.” **He** sings as if Josh isn't chained, as if they aren't in a dark musty basement, as if they really are boyfriends and this is their normal. _

_Josh almost lets out a sob, but doesn't. He keeps his face calm, blinking every time tears come into his eyes._

_He cannot show that he's in distress._

Tyler's drumming on the wheel, head twitching spastically, humming notes that don't have any order to them. It's distracting enough to pull Josh out of his memories. 

Josh watches Tyler, and as soon as the other realizes Josh is watching, he stops moving, stops humming. 

Josh doesn't let his disappointment show on his face, because he's already being dragged down again. 

_It hurts._

_Oh god, it hurts._

_Josh tries to focus on the pain, ignoring the pleasure hidden underneath. He doesn't want that. He wants it to hurt._

_Hands find purchase around his neck and they squeeze, cutting of Josh's airflow. He tries to breathe in but he can't, his head is light and he feels like he's dying, he wants to die, if he does maybe this will all stop_

“Josh? We’re here.”

Josh is shaking violently, throat in fire and tears slicing their way out of his eyes. 

Tyler climbs over the divide and gets into the backseat. Josh shies away from him, any touch could burn his skin off. 

“What do you need?” Tyler's voice is so soothing. 

_“What do you need, Joshua? Come on, use your words, I know you still have your voice. Just don't say anything I don't want to hear._

The sob that tries to escape is quickly strangled. 

“Okay, I won't say that.” Tyler says. “I'm right here, Josh. Nobody is going to hurt you.”

Josh nods, tears spilling over and racing down his cheeks. 

“Can I touch you?”

Josh shakes his head. 

“Okay. Do you think you can go up to your apartment?”

Josh hesitates before nodding. 

“Alright.” Tyler opens the door and climbs out of the car. “Take your time, it's okay.”

It takes seconds for Josh to climb out of the car. He races towards his apartment building, opening the door and bounding up the stairs. 

_The doorbell rings, and **he** gets up and sprints up the stairs, leaving Josh behind. _

_Josh misses **his** warmth immediately. It's cold in the basement, like air conditioning is constantly on. It's uncomfortable, and he starts to shiver. _

Josh stands in the middle of his living room, tears streaming down his cheeks. He hardly hears Tyler come into the apartment and shut the door behind him from his racing heartbeat. 

“Josh?” Tyler whispers. 

Instead of responding, Josh lets his body crumple to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Josh "I'd rather pass out than deal with my problems" dun


	17. Chapter 17

“So, what do you know about me?”

Josh and Tyler are lying in bed together, Josh curled up against Tyler's chest so he can hear his boyfriend’s heartbeat. 

He was okay after the fall, he’d just let his legs crumble from under him. He didn't want to hold himself up, didn't want to have to be a functioning human being. 

“I haven't gone out of my way to look up stuff.” Tyler answers Josh’s question as he traces shapes into Josh’s skin. “But I know some stuff.”

“Like what.” Josh feels anxiety thrum through his veins. 

“I know your family, mostly. At least what they're like on the show.”

“They're really like how they are on the show. It's exhausting.” 

“I haven't seen many episodes with you in them, though. Just the one where you left, and some others where you visited.”

“Did you see the one where I visited after I got back?” Josh is shaking. He isn't entirely sure why. 

“Yeah.” Tyler's voice is quiet. “That one… It upset me.”

“I didn't want it to be aired.” Josh presses himself closer to Tyler. “I didn't want people to see me like that. My fucking trauma is a plot point so my parents will gain viewers, and therefore more money. Not like they need it, they're already fucking billionaires.” Josh hardly swears, but it feels right to do it here, it feels like he needs the emphasis. 

“At least you're not letting them film the trial.”

“They'll want me to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it.” Josh is suddenly very, very angry. “Everyone wants me to talk about what I've been through. My therapist, the press, my lawyer, my friends, fans, even people who haven't spoken to me in _years_ are asking to hear about it so they can make some sort of headline. I don't want to talk about it! What I went through was horrible! And yet people expect me to just easily be able to discuss being fucking raped, being chained up with hardly any food or water, being treated like a fucking toy!”

Josh is crying, tears running down his face and sobs burning in his throat. “And people are _still_ treating me like a toy, like a fucking puppet that does whatever they please! I'm done! I'm tired of it! Why don't people understand that I want to be left alone!”

He buries his face into Tyler's chest. 

Tyler doesn't say anything in response. His voice is quiet when he speaks. “I guess you deserve to know things about me.”

“Yeah, I think I fucking do.” Josh is still angry, but not at Tyler. 

Josh feels Tyler’s flinch. 

“Uh, I'll start small. I have two brothers and a sister. I get up with both my mom and dad, but I haven't talked to them in years, so I don't know how they're doing. My siblings are okay, though.” Tyler sounds very, very nervous.

“I was supposed to be a basketball player, my parents groomed me towards that ever since I was a little kid. I always found detective work interesting, though, so that's what I ended up doing.” 

Tyler's shaking. Josh doesn't know how to comfort him. 

“I was married for, uh, five years. We divorced about two years ago. I had a kid with her too.”

Josh freezes, then pushes Tyler away. 

The anger from before hasn't been completely burned out, and now it reignites in a way Josh can't control. “And you didn't think to tell me this before?”

The fear in Tyler's face should set off alarm bells in Josh's head, but it doesn't. “I-I'm sor-” Tyler claps his hands over his mouth and squeezes his eyes shut. 

“That's important! You have a fucking child! I think that's something I should've known about pretty early on!”

Tyler's breathing is irregular.

“Why didn't you tell me!?”

Tyler lets out a muffled sob. 

All the anger in Josh's body falls out through his feet. 

“Tyler, I'm sorry.” His voice is very soft. 

Tyler says something, but it's muffled behind his hands. 

“Come here.” Josh gently pulls Tyler close. 

Tyler is full on sobbing now, moving as though trying to burrow his way inside of Josh for some protection, as if he tried hard enough he and Josh could become one. 

Josh doesn't say anything more, doesn't try to apologize further or justify his actions. 

“I thought…” Tyler gasps in a breath, trying to stop his sobs. “I thought you were like **her** , I thought you were going to hit me, Josh I'm sorry.”

The way Tyler says **her** sounds almost equivalent to Josh’s **him** , someone to be revered and feared at the same time. 

“It's alright, Tyler. It's okay. You're safe.” Josh finds himself repeating Tyler's words back to the man who has calmed him down over and over. Their places have switched, and Josh finds that he doesn't mind all that much. 

He wants to give Tyler what Tyler has given him. 

Safety. 

“You're safe with me Tyler, promise. Whoever **she** is, **she** won't get you here. I won't let **her**.”

Tyler whimpers quietly, and Josh thinks there are still tears leaking out of his eyes, but he's not making any sounds of crying anymore. 

“Thank you.” Tyler whispers, and he sounds like he's forcing the words past a lump in his throat. “I… I love you.”

Josh shuts his eyes and forces **his** voice away before it leaks into his head. “Yeah.” He can't find within him the ability to say the words, they're tied to too much.

Tyler doesn't seem to mind that Josh doesn't say it back. 

Josh holds him close, reversed roles somehow feeling just as right as their originals. 

They fall asleep together, soft breaths the only sound in the room. 

_It's the gentleness that throws Josh off._

_The gentleness with which he's unlocked, the gentleness as he's picked up, the gentleness as he's carried up the stairs, the gentleness as he's laid onto something softer than the basement floor._

_He feels his head lifted up and placed onto a pillow, a hand brushing his hair off his burning forehead._

_“It's gonna be okay. You're safe with me.”_

_Through the fever, Josh almost believes **him**._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter yet!!!

If you asked Josh’s opinion on the trial, he'd say he wanted it to be over. 

Tyler’s testimony hurt to hear, every word slicing into Josh's soul, every detail of how scared he was, how he gripped Tyler's hand like it was the end of the world. Maybe it had been. 

It would be Josh's turn soon, and he dreaded it. He didn't know what he would say, how he would say it, what it would mean if he spoke in front of **him**. Nothing good, probably. 

But he'd have to. 

Josh sat in the courtroom with dread weighing in his stomach as **he** got up to the stand and swore **himself** in. 

Josh knew **he** lied about telling only the truth. Josh knew **he** would lie with every word **he** spoke. 

“The kidnapping was staged.” **He** says, and Josh's stomach flips with nausea and guilt. 

“Josh is into that, you know? Sexually and all that. Guess he forgot to tell Chris about it happening. Police should've never gotten involved, but I guess that's the risk Josh didn't mind taking.”

Josh is shaking, eyes squeezed shut. 

“And I was kind to him, I really was. The video footage showed that. He liked being locked up, like being owned. You know how rich boys are, they always love weird things like that. Josh just happens to be one of them.”

Spencer lays her head on Josh's lap, and he teacher down to tangle his left hand in her fur. 

“It was all consensual, really. I would've let Josh go at any time if he wanted me to.”

Josh wants to scream that he's a liar. 

“I didn't tell him about the police because I didn't want to worry him. I know, I know, I should have done something, but I didn't want to break the little bubble he was in.”

Josh wants to scream. 

The rest is a blur of questions and answers, of **him** not changing his story one bit, like **he's** rehearsed it over and over and over. 

**He** probably has. 

**He** steps down, and then it's Josh's turn. 

Josh stands on shaky legs and stumbles up to the stand, Spencer following close behind. He can hardly breathe as he stares at the sea of people. 

He notices a camera in the corner of the room. 

Anger sears through him, followed by a determination, a hardening of will. 

He swears himself in with a quiet voice, feeling **his** eyes watching him coldly. 

Josh finds that he doesn't care. 

His left arm aches as he opens his mouth to speak. 

“I was kidnapped.”

Silence

“I was kidnapped, plain and simple, no consent about it at all. I'm definitely not the kind of person who would do that sort of thing. And yes, I may be a former drug addict rich boy from one of the biggest families in the United States, but I'm not into things like that.”

He has to take a few breaths. His shaking hands grip the sides of the stand. 

“I woke up in a basement, cuffs around my wrists that had chains that attached to the wall. It's not a good way to wake up, trust me.”

**His** eyes are burning holes into Josh, and a part of him rises up inside of him and tells him to stay quiet, to obey, to be good. He has to wrestle with his mind in order to even open his mouth, and he has to force the words out. 

“And he was there, and he was so kind, he gave me food and water and was only gentle and only when I ran and tried to escape was he harsh, only then did he yell and hurt me. Then he was kind again.”

**He** looks confused now, uncertain, and Josh revels in it. 

“But I guess I wasn't changing quickly enough. I wasn't doing everything he wanted, I would still scream sometimes, still spit curses at him. Me leaning into his touch when I was touch-starved just wasn't enough. So when I screamed at him for maybe the hundredth time, screamed to be let go, he broke my bones.”

There's a quiet gasp from a few people in the room. 

“He broke a rib and my left forearm. He liked to shift around my left arm when he wasn't happy with me. He used it to make me stay quiet, stay good. So I was quiet.”

The next words stick in his throat. 

“Then he was sexual. And I didn't consent to any of that either. I didn't consent to any of it.”

He stares at one spot in front of him, hating the watching camera, hating the prying eyes, hating how his shame would be televised. 

“And what were the specifics?” Lynn’s voice is soft. 

Josh can't speak. There are tears in his eyes. He's too busy forcing back memories to speak of them. 

“He would, uh, make me give him blowjobs, and he'd, he'd..” He can't continue. 

“And the he you speak of is the accused?”

“Yes.”

During cross-examination Brent accuses Josh of lying, but not explicitly. Josh answers honestly, forcing out his words. 

When he steps down, the jury leaves to deliberate. 

“You did so good.” Tyler rests a hand on Josh’s shoulder slowly, gently, but Josh flinches anyway. 

“Thanks.” Josh is quiet. 

The jury is out for an hour. 

Josh shakes with anxiety for the whole time. 

When the jury returns, the verdict is about to be announced, Josh thinks he might fall apart. 

“Guilty.”

It's the only word Josh hears, because his ears begin to buzz. 

Everything swims for the next few moments. Josh glances over at **him**. **He** looks angry, and Josh quickly looks away. 

“Josh. Josh, let's go home.” Tyler tugs Josh to his feet by a hand and leads him down the aisle and out of the courtroom. Cameras flash, catching Josh's dazed look as Tyler tugs a hat down low over his eyes and holds a hand over his mouth. 

Once Josh is in the back of tylers car and they're driving, Josh can finally open his mouth. 

“They believed me.”

Tyler grins. “Of course. Much of the evidence backed you up. They would've been idiots to proclaim him not guilty.”

Josh nods. 

There are more photographers as Josh gets into his apartment, and Tyler does the same thing as he pulls Josh inside. 

As soon as Tyler shuts the door to Josh's apartment, Josh grabs him and kisses him. 

Tyler steps back, surprised, but enthusiastically kisses back. 

Josh breaks away only to kiss him again, and they step back further into the apartment. 

They tumble into Josh's room, and it's only a moment before Tyler's lips crash into Josh's again. 

The kiss is more urgent than usual, Tyler's tongue licking into Josh's mouth quicker than Josh is used to. He makes a soft noise of surprise, and then Tyler pulls away. 

“Is this okay?” He whispers. 

“Do you want…” Josh whispers, gesturing to his bed. “To, uh…” He's not sure how to say it. The words are stuck in his throat

“Sex? Only if you're okay with it.” Tyler says firmly. 

Josh considers this for a moment, then nods. “Okay. I'm okay with it.”

Tyler kisses him again, hard. 

Josh doesn't remember how they ended up on his bed, but Tyler's on top of him and kissing him hard, and Josh is not complaining very much. 

Tyler's lips eventually wander down Josh's jawline and to his neck, and he gasps as Tyler begins to bite and suck. His hands end up in Tyler's hair and his hips buck up, seeking friction to take the edge off his arousal. 

“Shirt.” Tyler mumbles against Josh's skin before sitting up and pulling his own off. 

Josh may or may not stare at Tyler's chest, at the way the dark tattoos contrast with his gold skin. “Fuck. You're hot.”

“Shirt.” Tyler hums more urgently, tugging at the hem of Josh's. 

Once it's discarded on the floor Tyler takes the time to admire Josh's chest. The skin there is still very pale from lack of sunlight, but Tyler doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he seems to enjoy the dark contrast of his hands against white skin. 

“You're beautiful, Josh.” He says before running his thumbs over Josh's nipples, causing him to gasp and arch up into the touch. “You good? Do you need to stop?”

“Don't ask.” Josh says breathlessly. “I'll tell you if I need you too, just…”

“Okay.” And then Tyler is biting at Josh's collarbone. 

Josh can't help the sound he makes, and then it’s sounds in the plural as Tyler’s mouth travels downwards, sucking on his nipples and laying open kisses across his stomach. 

“God, Tyler, please.” Josh doesn't know what he's asking for. 

He feels a fear of Tyler for the first time, and pushes it away. He doesn't want anything to ruin this for Tyler. 

Speaking of Tyler, he's currently tugging down Josh's pants and boxers in one motion. 

Josh gasps at the feeling of his dick springing up against his stomach, hard and begging to be touched. 

And then Tyler's lips are around the head of his cock and Josh realizes that this was not what he signed up for today, that a sudden surge of no courses through his body. 

He moans anyways, an involuntary sound, as Tyler gently sucks on the head and runs his tongue over the slit. Josh ignores the no. He doesn't want to ruin anything. 

“Shit, fucking, God.” Words are not Josh’s strong suit right then. 

Tyler's mouth leaves and Josh groans, wanting to beg for more but at the same time trying to battle fear and memories and the word no from raising their heads. 

Tyler's back, and Josh hears a bottle open before a hand is on his hip and a finger is pressing into him. 

Josh sucks in a breath and clenches his teeth, twisting his hands into the sheets on his bed. He tries to relax, and after a few seconds he does. 

Tyler pushes another finger in and Josh makes a sound that's akin to a half-sob. 

Tyler begins to scissor him open and then just barely brushes his prostate, almost as if teasing, and Josh becomes deathly still. He's aware of tears brimming up in his eyes and spilling over. 

“Josh?” Tyler whispers. 

Josh tries to suck in an even breath. He's trying not to hyperventilate, **he** won't like that, **he** might punish him he can't speak he can't breathe-

The fingers leave him, and Josh tries to be relaxed, if he's relaxed it will hurt less but if he's tense it'll be over sooner-

“Josh? Are you okay?”

That's not **his** voice. 

Josh opens his eyes to see Tyler leaning over him, concern etched into his face. 

Josh can't speak. He's not allowed to. He doesn't want to get hurt. 

“Do you want to stop?” Tyler whispers. 

Instead of responding, Josh starts to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of the trial!! We get a break chapter before we start Tyler Goes On Vacation


	19. Chapter 19

Josh wakes up in Tyler's arms, with Tyler's breath on his skin, with Tyler's nose brushing the back of his neck. Everything is Tyler, Tyler Tyler Tyler. 

Not for the first time, Josh questions whether his dependency on Tyler is healthy. 

Tyler stirs, yawns, wakes up. Josh stays still and closes his eyes, trying to pretend to still be asleep. 

Tyler settles again, chest pressing into Josh's back, arms around Josh, holding Josh, protecting Josh. 

Josh is grateful. 

“You awake?”

A normal couple would throw in a pet name. In a normal couple, Josh would say yes and they'd get up and make back fast and discuss their work, then kiss and part ways and go work their 9-5 jobs, come home, and repeat. Josh sometimes wishes they were a normal couple. 

They are not. 

So instead of saying he was awake, Josh stays silent, keeping his breathing even, keeping his eyes closed. 

“Okay.” Tyler says. 

Josh knows Tyler knows he's awake, and Josh knows Tyler knows to let him have the peace of pretending. 

_“I know you're awake, Joshua, don't try and pretend.”_

Josh shudders. A sob builds up in his throat and he lets out a whine. He presses himself closer to Tyler as best he can. 

“It's okay. I'm right here. I'll keep you safe.” Tyler whispers. Josh can feel his breath. Somehow, it's comforting. With Tyler, he feels less afraid. 

_Josh opens his eyes in defeat. “Okay. You got me.”_

_Playful conversation in the least playful of situations._

Josh in whimpering, whimpering, because **he** is in jail and it's all Josh's fault, it's all his fault all his fault all of it was his fault

_Gentle hands lay a cool cloth on Josh's forehead, then leave._

_Josh gets up slowly, head spinning. He puts the cold cloth beside him and stands up. The door is so close._

_He can hardly walk, and he almost falls over a few feet away from the door, but he makes it and he gets outside._

_The door is quiet._

_There's a grove of trees by the house and he heads towards it, fever-addled brain thinking that he could hide there until someone else came._

_Another part of him wants to go back, to be taken care of, to be in **his** arms, safe and sound. _

_Josh collapses in the trees, body alternating hot and cold. He doesn't know how long he lies there, just out of sight of the house. He hears someone calling his name, sounding angrier and angrier as time passes._

_Rough hands find him and he cries out, starts crying because he's so confused and he wants to go home, but he doesn't know whether home is a cozy apartment with his own bed or a cold basement with chains around his wrists._

_“Oh, Joshua, how long have you been here?”_

_Josh can only whine._

Josh is crying. 

“I messed up, Tyler, I messed up and now I can't change it.”

“Okay.” Tyler's holding Josh so so so close. “It's okay. It's okay to mess up. It's okay.”

Josh wants to protest, but he's sobbing and pulling his knees up to his chest and trying to make himself small. 

It doesn't work as well as he wants it to, but he feels smaller. Maybe he is smaller. 

So he curls up in Tyler's arms and cries like a small child, uncaring about how what Tyler might think about it. 

Josh cries and cries and cries until he's asleep again. 

When he wakes up, Tyler is still there, still holding Josh. 

Josh still feels small. 

“You awake, Joshie?” Tyler says quietly.

Josh nods and makes an mhm sound. 

“Do you want to get up?”

Josh repeats the action and sound, but makes no move to get up. It's safe in Tyler's arms. He doesn't want to leave. 

“That's okay.” Tyler says. 

Josh wonders if Tyler can read minds. Maybe Tyler is just attuned to Josh's every want and need. It wouldn't be surprising if he was. 

It's a few minutes before Josh sits up, Tyler moving with him so his arms are still wrapped around Josh. It's comforting. Josh doesn't want to leave. 

He leans against Tyler, resting his head on the other’s shoulder. 

Neither of them say anything. They don't have to. 

Josh gets up, leaving Tyler's arms only to grip his hand tight. If Josh loses contact with Tyler, he feels as though he will leave his body and never return. 

“We don't have to get up.” Tyler says. 

Josh looks at the clock. It's almost noon. “You're missing work.” His voice is rough and scratchy. 

“I called in sick. You're more important.”

“Oh.” Josh doesn't look at Tyler. 

“You need to eat something.” Tyler's gets off the bed and leads Josh into the living room. Josh follows. 

Tyler sits Josh down on the couch and goes to extract his hand, but Josh clings even tighter. The living room is so exposed. He wants to be wrapped up and safe. 

“Where to you want to be?” Tyler asks, voice soft and gentle. 

Josh points to his cabinet. 

Tyler thinks for a moment. “Do you want some pillows and blankets in there?”

Josh nods. 

“Okay. I'm going to have to let go of your hand for a minute. Is that alright?” Tyler speaks as though Josh is a frightened child. Josh doesn't find it insulting at all. 

“Okay.” Josh says. His voice is very small. 

He lets go of Tyler's hand and Tyler leaves, but comes back with his arms full of blankets. He arranges them into the cabinet. 

Josh gets up as soon as Tyler steps back and darts inside, immediately surrounded by a cocoon of softness. It's comforting. 

“I'm gonna leave the door open, alright?” Tyler says. 

Josh nods, pulling up one of the blankets so that it covers his body. 

He watches Tyler's legs move around the kitchen, hears humming and tapping. It lulls Josh into a trance, one where he closes his eyes and just listens to the sounds of Tyler. 

“Joshie?” Tyler says, and Josh opens his eyes. 

“I made you grilled cheese.” Tyler holds out half of a sandwich. It's cut into a triangle shape. 

Josh extracts an arm to take it. It's warm on his fingertips. 

He hides under the blanket while he eats, watching Tyler closely. Tyler is twisting his hair around his fingers, staring off at seemingly nothing. 

“Will you sing?” Josh says quietly, after he finishes the half of the sandwich. 

Tyler reaches up and grabs the other half, offering it to Josh. He accepts. 

“Uh, what do you like?”

“Something about me.”

“Okay…” Tyler thinks for a moment. “This is something I've been working on.”

Josh listens as Tyler begins to sing. 

“You say things with your mouth, cobwebs and flies come out. I hear a second voice behind your tongue somehow.”

Josh shivers. 

“Luckily I can read your mind, flies and cobwebs unwind. They will not take you down, they will not cast you out, out.”

Josh reaches out to take Tyler's hand. 

“Won't you stay alive? I'll take you on a ride, I will make you believe you are lovely.”

Josh watches him as he sings. 

“Your redemption won't grow stale, we are now just setting sail, on the seas of what we fear, reasons now are coming near to me.”

Josh is taking small bites. 

“Don't be gone…” Tyler trails off. “I'm still working on it.”

“It's good.” Josh says. 

They're quiet after that. 

“Is there room for me?” Tyler asks after a long, comfortable silence. 

Josh nods, and presses himself further in.

Tyler squeezes into the cabinet besides Josh. “Do you want the door shut?” 

Josh shakes his head. 

“Okay.” 

Josh is surrounded in blankets and softness and Tyler, and it's the best thing in the world. He never wants to leave. He'd be content if he never left, just died here, with Tyler. Always with Tyler. 

“There's something I have to tell you.” Tyler says quietly. 

Josh's anxiety twists around his lungs and coils them tight. 

“I have to go on a vacation with my family.” Tyler isn't looking at Josh. “I'll be gone for a few weeks.”

“When?” Josh's voice is tiny. 

“In about two weeks.”

“No.” Josh says. 

“I don't really have a choice. I'm sorry.” Tyler whispers. 

“No!” He clings tightly to Tyler's arm. If he never lets go, Tyler will never have to leave. Tyler can stay. 

“I'm sorry.” Tyler looks close to tears. He looks upset, almost angry. Josh guesses he's angry at himself. “I love you, Joshie.”

Josh whimpers and tightens his grip. 

He's a little kid again, and his mom is leaving on a trip for work. 

He's a little kid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are getting longer. Sick.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have a nice new tag. Stay careful my friends.

Savior: I'm about to board

please stay safe

Savior: I will I promise

please dont leave

Savior: I'll be back soon, promise

Savior: I have to go now

please

Josh doesn't get a reply. 

He almost throws his phone but decides against it, instead setting it on the table in front of him. His thoughts are occupied with Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. He doesn't know what to do without Tyler, doesn't know how to keep himself from an inevitable relapse. 

Whether it's self harm or drugs, he's not sure. 

He presses on his fingers as he counts, 9 days clean of self harm, 3 years clean of drugs, everything would be fine as long as he had…

Tyler. 

Everything always came down to Tyler or **him** these days. 

Josh decides to sleep, because maybe time will pass with sleep. Maybe if he sleeps he won't wake up until Tyler comes back. 

Josh gets up and locks the door to his apartment, then lies down on his couch and falls asleep. 

_There's something soft around his right wrist that's keeping it up above his head._

_He's lying on something soft, and every other part of his body is free._

_He whines quietly, because he's shivering, he's freezing._

_A hand touches his cheek, and removes something from his forehead. “Hey, Joshua.”_

_Josh whines again, trying to keep his eyes open, everything is blurry._

_“You've got a pretty high fever. You just need to rest, and not struggle, okay?”_

_Josh squirms towards **his** voice, craving touch, craving comfort, craving for someone to just hold him. He reaches out with his left arm and grabs onto **his** shirt. _

_“Hey, Joshua, it's okay, I'm here.” **He** lies down next to Josh and pulls him in close. Josh buries his face in **his** chest. There are tears in his eyes. _

_“It's okay, I'm here, I'm here.”_

_Josh is held close, Josh is comforted, Josh is safe._

_The part that says Josh is safe with **him** takes over, and Josh is comforted, and Josh is safe. _

_~~The dream warps.~~ _

_~~Josh is locked in a basement, yes, but it's not **his** basement, it's Tyler's. ~~ _

_~~Tyler comes down the stairs, Tyler smiles wickedly, Tyler holds a knife to Josh's right, tattooed arm.~~ _

_~~“I hear you scream at night. It's keeping me up.” Tyler's voice is twisted, deep, warped. “Stop. Screaming.”~~ _

_~~The knife cuts into flesh.~~ _

Josh wakes up screaming his head off. 

He immediately clamps his hands over his mouth and quiets, breathing hard and fast, barely able to get in enough oxygen to think straight. 

He starts making soft whining noises, and then he cries. 

He's lying down in a way that the tears pool on his face, and when he turns to lie on his side to get his phone they roll down his face. 

He only takes a hand away from his mouth to scramble for his phone, to open up messages, to text T **yler** no no Tyler isn't bad no no no no

plelsses

Savior: Josh?? What happened???

ddontnt ateke mme

Savior: do you need me to call

ysyse

His phone rings, and Josh answers it. 

“Hey, Josh.” Tyler says, and Josh just starts crying harder. 

“I'm here Josh, it's okay-”

Josh almost screams, strangling it in his throat. A noise still comes out, one of pain. 

“Okay. Okay.” Tyler is quiet for a moment. “Do you need me to not speak English?”

Josh nods, forgets he's on the phone, speaks. “Please.” His voice is shaky, broken. 

Tyler begins to softly speak in Arabic, sometimes stumbling over his words. Josh closes his eyes and listens. It's still Tyler's voice still Tyler talking, but not with something Josh can understand. Nothing can set him off if he doesn't know what is being said. 

Tyler pauses, as if listening to something. “I have to board my flight now.” He says something else in Arabic, a pet name. “Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah.” Josh says. “Just a bad dream.” 

“Okay. I'll text you once I land, okay?”

“Yeah.”

Tyler says one last thing in Arabic, and then hangs up. 

Josh gets to his feet and wipes the tears off his face. 

He can't survive without Tyler. 

It's a realization that scares him. 

It's a realization he doesn't know how to handle.

He grabs his phone and opens up a contact he hasn't messaged in years. 

hey

The response is almost immediately. 

Sam: it's been a long time, Josh

i know

things have just been rough lately

Sam: Chris already came by and told me not to give you anything a few months ago

like thatll stop you

Sam: I’d ask what's been going on, but eveything’s pretty public

i dont need a lot

Sam: we’ll discuss it more when we meet

Sam: I'm warning you in advance, be careful

Sam: your tolerance isn't what it used to be

i know

Sam: you should talk to me more, you know

sorry about that

Sam: remember where we used to meet?

yeah

Sam: be there in an hour

got it

Josh ducks into his room and grabs his wallet, a hoodie, and a pair of fake glasses. He puts them on before slipping out of his apartment, then out of the building. 

It's not a long walk before he ends up at the meeting spot, behind an old building that isn't occupied anymore and hasn't been for years. He still has half an hour, so he leans back against the wall and waits. 

A group of four girls come around the corner, one showing the rest something on her phone, before they stop and look up at Josh. 

He has his hood up, face glasses on, and it's something that's worked well for him for years. 

“Who are you?” The one holding the phone asks, stepping towards him and squinting her eyes. 

Another one is staring at Josh wide-eyed. “Oh my god, are you Josh Dun?”

Josh nearly has a heart attack. 

“Uh, yeah, what do you want?” He takes off the glasses. He can't afford to have a photo of him on the Internet with them on. 

The girls suddenly swarm up to him way too close, way closer than he's comfortable with. He doesn't know how to ask them to back off. 

“Are you single?” One of them asks, touching his left arm. 

“Uh, no.”

They all gasp simultaneously. 

“Oh my god, who's your girlfriend?”

“Is it that girl at your work?”

“Ugh, she's ugly, why would you date her?”

“Isn't she a lesbian?”

“Eww!”

Josh is very uncomfortable. “I’ll share when I'm ready, okay?”

“I think you're lying!” One of the girls says. 

“Ash, ask him.” One of the girls nudges another. 

“Okay.” The girl named as Ash seems nervous. “Can I kiss you?”

Josh doesn't have time to respond before she's grabbing him and planting a kiss on his mouth. 

He shoves her away gently. “No.”

“Come on, it's just for fun.” Her hand that was on his left arm is now on his chest. “I want a real kiss.”

“I… Really. I'm dating someone..”

“She doesn't have to know!” Another girl pipes up, her smile wicked. 

Josh's voice dies in his throat. He's about to panic. 

One of them kisses his cheek, then their hands are in him, touching him,a nod he closes his eyes and just waits for it all to be over, it's easier that way, _if he just takes it it'll all be fine_

“What's going on?”

The deep voice makes the girls gasp and run. 

Josh sinks down against the wall to the ground.

Sam crouches in front of him. “You were early.” His scary voice doesn't match his short, skinny appearance. 

“So are you.” Josh says. The words are a struggle. He's trying to breathe. 

Sam sits beside him and talks him through breathing exercises.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> definite drug use in this chapter. Stay safe my frens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't very good

There's a knock on the door. 

Josh turns hazy, bloodshot eyes towards it, breathing out smoke. 

There's another knock, then a sound as whoever it is tries to open the door. 

“Josh?”

It's Chris. 

Josh closes his eyes and relaxes into the couch. 

“Okay. I'll come back.” The footsteps recede from the door, and Josh smiles. 

His phone buzzes. 

Chris: I came by but your door was locked

Chris: is everything okay?

It buzzes again, and this one's from Tyler. 

Savior: are you okay?

did chris txt i

Savior: no

domt tell

him

Savior: I won't

Savior: do you need me to call?

yws

Josh's phone rings, and it takes him a few second to answer and lift the phone to his ear. 

“Hey.” Tyler says. 

“Hi.” Josh's voice is rough. 

“I gotta be quiet. My family is asleep.” Josh hears Tyler shift. 

He presses the blunt he's holding to his lips and drags in smoke. 

“What's going on?”

Josh blows out the smoke with ease. “It's lonely without you.”

Tyler laughs a little. “You have Chris and Nick.”

“They don't get it.” Josh pulls in more smoke, puffs it out. “You get it.”

Tyler's quiet for a few minutes. “What are you doing?”

“Nothin.” Josh speaks slowly, syllables just a bit slurred. 

“You're lying to me.”

“And what if I am.”

“You know I work in law enforcement.”

Josh is just a little scared. “I'm rich. You can't do anything to me.”

“I'm your boyfriend.”

“Does that even count if nobody else knows?”

Tyler's quiet again. 

Josh hangs up. 

He's angry, mostly at himself. He takes in the last bit of smoke and as he blows it out, begins to cry. 

It's silent, body shaking, tears slipping out of his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. His anger burns in his chest. 

He's too high to deal with this. 

His phone buzzes and he opens the message , fingers hitting the screen harder than needed. 

Chris: let me in

Josh stares at the message, then the door. 

Chris: Josh please

no

Chris: Josh

Chris: you're just throwing this all away

shit th fuck up

Chris: I care about you

Josh almost throws his phone. 

then shiw it beter

Then he does throw his phone. 

He watches as the screen shatters, and then leans back and lets the sobs escape him. 

He wants to disappear. 

_He’s in the bas ~~ement.~~_

_~~His right arm is bleeding from small wounds scattered throughout his tattoo, wounds that will scar later, wounds that Josh doesn’t think he’ll have the heart to tattoo over~~ _

_~~There's a knife on the ground, and it has blood on it.~~ _

_~~Josh reaches for it and grips it in his right hand, left arm numb and dead by his side.~~ _

_~~When he looks, he doesn't have his left arm.~~ _

_~~Steps come down the stairs without the door opening, without the lights coming on.~~ _

_~~It's Ty **ler**. ~~ _

_~~**Tyler** walks up to Josh and crouches down in front of him. **Tyler’s** voice is warped, twisted, deep. “Give me the knife.”~~ _

_~~Josh holds the knife closer to his chest. Fear is rising within him, and all uncertainty is gone.~~ _

_~~**Tyler** inches forwards hand stretching out. “Give it to me now, Joshua.”~~ _

_~~**Tyler** is close enough. ~~ _

_~~Josh jerks the knife forwards and plunges it into **Tyler’s** chest. ~~ _

_~~**Tyler** convulses once before disappearing in a puff of smoke.~~ _

Josh wakes up gasping and disoriented. He rolls and falls off the couch when he tries to get up, body slamming against the floor only making him more confused.

 **Ty** ler is dead.

“No.” Josh says aloud, and then sits up and scrambles for his phone.

Part of him knows it was just a dream, that it wasn’t real, that Tyler is alive and probably safe. The other thinks, no says, that Tyler is unsafe, that Tyler is probably dead, that Josh killed him.

Josh calls Tyler, frantic, unable to breathe properly.

It goes to voicemail, and Josh fully freaks out.

He calls Tyler again and again, probably filling his phone with vibrations and notifications, the lack of response only affirming in Josh’s mind that Tyler was dead.

Tyler picks up on the seventeenth try. “Josh?”

Josh is full on sobbing, and he can only cry harder when he hears Tyler’s voice. Tyler’s alive, Tyler’s safe, and that’s enough to quiet his mind.

“Josh, what’s wrong?” Tyler sounds worried, and Josh laughs through his tears because Tyler’s worry could never compare to his own.

Josh manages to take in enough breath, to pause his laugh-crying enough to gasp out “I thought I killed you.”

Tyler’s confusion is evident in his voice. “I, uh, oh god Josh.”

“Y-you called me Joshua” his voice sticks on the name “and I stabbed you right in the chest” he can practically see the blood coming out of **Tyler** “and you died, and I did it!” He’s laughing more than crying now, absolutely hysterical.

“I’m not dead.” Tyler says simply.

“It was so real, I killed you, oh god...” Josh is back to crying, tears pouring down his cheeks and dripping off his chin.

“I’m not dead Josh, I promise, I’m right here, yeah? I wouldn’t be talking to you if i was dead, would I? I’m so sorry I didn’t pick up, Josh. I’m not dead. I’m not gonna be dead. You won’t kill me.”

Tyler’s words make Josh a little less hysterical, a little less afraid.

“Are you on the floor?”

“Yeah.” Josh’s voice is rough, working it’s way through his sobs.

“Just imagine I’m there, helping you up, always helping, always alive.” Tyler says.

Josh wipes his tears, holds back his sobs, lets out a breath. “Always.”

“Yeah.”

It’s silent for a little while.

“You feeling better?” Tyler asks quietly.

“Yeah.”

“You’ll be okay.”

“So will you.”

Josh can almost hear Tyler smile.

“Love you.”

Josh closes his eyes. “Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not good oops


	22. Chapter 22

3 weeks later

Josh cuts his fingers on his broken phone screen and curses.

He hasn't had the energy to leave the house except to take Spencer for walks, has hardly had the energy to eat and drink. All he's been doing is fogging his thoughts so it's not as terrifying without Tyler. 

He's drunk as he calls Tyler, fingers bleeding. 

“Yeah?” Tyler picks up right away. 

“You're not texting me a lot.” Josh says. 

“I've been busy.” Tyler’s voice is quiet, almost afraid. There's a lot of background noise. “My mom doesn't like it when I use my phone. 

“Not a good reason.” Josh grumbles. 

“I'm sorry.” Tyler whispers. “I love you.”

Josh's brain is addled with alcohol. “I’m not gay.”

Tyler's silent. 

“I don't like boys.” Josh mumbles, words slurring together. “It's bad to like boys.”

“Oh.” Josh thinks he hears Tyler's heart break in his voice, but it might just be the alcohol. 

Josh is quiet.

“I'll, uh, go now.” Tyler whispers. 

“Okay.” Josh says, and then Tyler hangs up. 

Josh cuts his fingers some more on his broken phone screen, this time on purpose. 

_His neck hurts._

_Josh is limp, a rag doll that anyone could move and use as they pleased. His wrists and ankles are locked in the cuffs again, and a hand caresses his face._

_“You're so beautiful, Joshua.”_

_Josh relaxes his muscles, lets his body collapse into itself like a black hole. He's not supposed to talk._

_The door shuts and he's left in darkness._

_Josh is a broken doll._

Josh doesn't realize that he's taken his old dose, that he's overdosed, until it's too late. 

……

…..

….

…

..

.

Tyler unlocks the door to Josh's apartment to see Josh lying unmoving on the floor, and Spencer whining and nudging his body. 

Spencer looks up and barks once when she sees Tyler, running over to him and whining. Tyler rushes in, sees what's on the table, makes the connection, and takes out his phone. As he's dialing 911, he presses two fingers to Josh's neck. 

There's a soft pulse. 

Someone picks up on 911. “Hello?”

“My… My friend.” Tyler winces at the words. “He overdosed, I'm pretty sure. I need an ambulance.” He recites the address, voice shaking. He can't lose Josh, not now, not after everything. 

“Alright, I'll send someone your way. What are your names?”

“I'm Tyler. Tyler Joseph. My friend is Josh Dun.”

“Okay.” There's a soft note of surprise in her voice. “It'll be okay.”

Spencer is still whining and nudging Josh's side with her nose. 

Tyler reaches out and pets Spencer gently, staring at Josh's closed eyes, his peaceful expression. 

If he dies, at least…

Tyler shoves that thought out of his mind harshly. Josh isn't going to die. He isn't going to let Josh die. 

He takes one of Josh’s blood-covered hands and squeezes it gently, studying the cuts on his fingers. His eyes travel to a broken phone screen, and he wonders how long it's been like that, and why Josh hasn't replaced the screen. A form of self harm, maybe?

Likely. 

He hears the sirens, watches and moves out of the way as EMTs take Josh away. 

He's left in Josh's apartment with a whining Spencer and drugs on the living room table. 

Tyler doesn't know what to do. He doesn't take on drug cases, it's not what he knows how to do. Robbery, homocide, and missing persons (which was rare, he'd only had to do stuff in that area twice). This was not his area. 

Tyler takes out his phone and calls Pete, who picks up almost immediately. 

“Sup, Tyguy.”

“Hey.” Tyler's voice is shaky, exhausted, afraid. 

“What happened?” Pete sounds a lot less casual, a lot more concerned.

“I think Josh is dying.” Tyler whispers. “I think he overdosed and the drugs are still here and I'm not trained to handle this.” His hands are twitching, spasming. He wants to shake his head violently, to babble nonsense until the twisting in his body dies down. If he doesn't have an outlet, he thinks he's going to scream. “Are you free? You know how to do this.”

“I don't know Josh’s address.”

Tyler repeats it to him. 

“I'm coming. Don't hang up.”

“He's dying, Pete.” Tyler whispers. “He's dying and it's my fault.”

“Can you repeat that in English?” Pete whispers, then immediately continues talking upon hearing Tyler's pained whine. “You don't have to. You can just talk.”

Tyler continues to mumble in Arabic, rocking back and forth, body twitching and spasming. Spencer sits beside him after nudging him with her nose only to be batted away by Tyler's flapping hands. She's comforting somehow, another presence keeping Tyler from a full on breakdown that might've come from being alone. 

He hardly notices when Pete hangs up, hardly notices when Pete opens the door and enters Josh's apartment. 

“Tyler.” Pete crouches in front of Tyler and makes no move to touch him. Tyler flinches anyways, trying to still his hands and rocking and words, trying to be still, _“god, Tyler, why can't you ever be fucking still!?”_

“Please.” Tyler pleads in what he's pretty sure is English. 

“It’ll be okay.” Pete says. “Should I take you to the hospital so you can see Josh? Will that help you feel better?”

“No.” Tyler says immediately. “No no can't can't-”

“It's okay.” Pete says, sensing and observing Tyler's rising distress. “It'll be okay. You don't have to to anything.”

Tyler squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head violently, trying not to cry. Pete stands up and moves away as he begins to vocalize, a tangled mess of languages and gibberish. He doesn't want to scream, doesn't want to be loud, he doesn't want to disturb anyone, he doesn't want to be an inconvenience. 

Some times later Pete crouches in front of him again. Tyler's whispering now, still rocking back and forth, eyes open. 

“Do you want to see Josh? Would it help to know that he's safe?” Pete asks tentatively, unsure of how Tyler will react. 

Tyler nods very slowly, almost as if he's unsure of what he wants. He is unsure of what he wants so much of the time, a quality that **she** always used to her advantage. 

“Can you stand up, or do you need help?”

Tyler shakes his head, slowly unfolding his legs and getting to his feet. Pete stands up too, positioned as if he's ready for Tyler to fall over at any moment. 

“I wanna see Josh.” Tyler says quietly. 

“Alright.” Pete says. He doesn't try to smile, doesn't try to make anything seem more positive. 

Josh is dying.

Tyler clanches his flapping hands into fists and shoves them into his pockets. “Let's go.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fInally

Tyler isn't allowed to see him. 

It's terrifying, because Tyler knows it's his fault that Josh is dying, dying, dying, that he could be dead and Tyler wouldn't know, wouldn't be with him. 

Pete left as soon as Tyler looked calm, and as soon as he was gone Tyler had a panic attack. 

It took him too long to be able to breathe, sitting in the corner of a semi-crowded hospital room where too many people had probably seen Tyler in photos with Josh, holding his hand, guiding him, too many people were seeing him panic and Tyler was terrified. 

“Hey, dude.”

Tyler looks up towards the voice, vision unfocused. He registers a face, a person looking at him. 

He's tempted to bring out his phone and check if they're really there. 

“Do you need help? You don't look so good.”

Tyler's chest is heaving. 

“Hey, come on, it's okay. Can I touch you?”

Tyler stares at them for a few moments before nodding. 

Gentle hands touch his upper arms and move in slow circles. It's grounding. 

“It'll be okay. Deep breaths. In through your nose, count to six, out through your mouth, count to six.”

Tyler takes in a shaking breath. 

“Good, good, you're doing good.”

Tyler closes his eyes and breathes, reminding himself that he has to be okay. For Josh. 

For Josh. 

He opens his eyes. 

The person in front of him stops touching him. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Tyler says. His voice is weak. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” They smile. “I know what it's like. Whoever you're waiting for is gonna be okay.”

Tyler nods and watches as they move off. 

He pulls his legs up and wraps his arms around them, resting his chin on his knees. 

He watches people enter and exit, nurses and doctors call names. None are for him. 

People look at him, passing glances. If they recognize him, it must not show in their expressions (not that Tyler could read them anyways). He might be unrecognizable in civilian clothes with messy hair and red eyes from crying. 

Eventually he lies down as it gets later and later and people begin to leave, to go home. Tyler doesn't want to go home, not until he knows Josh is safe. 

He falls asleep like that, waiting. 

Someone shakes Tyler awake and he blinks, looking up at them with bleary eyes. 

“You can see Josh now.” It's a nurse. 

Tyler looks at a clock. 1:27. He's been asleep for a long time. 

She leads him into Josh's room in the ICU and sits him in a chair. 

It's terrifying, seeing Josh lie immobile in a hospital bed. 

It's even more terrifying because Tyler knows it's his fault, that if he had just stood up to his mom that Josh wouldn't be here, Josh wouldn't be dying because Tyler couldn't stand up for himself. 

Everything was always Tyler's fault. 

He's trying not to rock back and forth, trying not to babble, because if Josh wakes up and sees him he might get mad like **she** always did when Tyler couldn't control himself. 

His fault, everything's his fault, people's anger is always his fault and now Josh is dying and it's his fault. 

At least the heart rate monitor is beeping, at least Josh is alive for just a little longer, maybe he’ll wake up before he dies and Tyler can apologize, maybe if he's lucky Josh won't hit him…

Why would Josh hit him? Doesn't Josh understand what that's like, to mess up and get hurt because of it?

Tyler's brain is at war with itself. 

He's rocking back and forth, just a little, just enough so that he doesn't have a complete breakdown.

He looks towards the door, hoping that maybe a doctor will come and tell him if Josh will live. 

There's a figure standing in the open doorway. 

“Hi?” Tyler whispers. 

The figure doesn't respond. 

Tyler takes out his phone and opens up the camera. He holds it up to look at the doorway. 

There's nothing there. 

Tyler turns back to Josh with an intense feeling of being watched, and breathes. 

In through the nose, out through the mouth. Deep breaths. 

It'll be okay. 

He watches Josh's face, not looking back to the doorway. 

_“Nothing's there, Tyler. Are you trying to scare me?”_

_“I-I'm sorry, I'm not trying to scare you, I just-”_

_“You just what? Thought it would be funny?”_

_“No, I didn't, I-”_

Tyler presses a hand to his right cheek and breathes and waits. 

Josh has to survive. Tyler needs him. 

Tyler needs Josh just as much as Josh needs Tyler. 

At some point a nurse comes in and tells Tyler visiting hours are over, that he has to leave. He stands on shaking legs and follows her out of the room. 

The shadow is gone from the doorway, but there are still others. Tyler ignores the feeling of being watched, as he has done all his life. 

He doesn't sleep, just sits in the waiting room, alternating between playing a game on his phone and staring at the floor. He gets texts from Chris and Nick that he doesn't respond to. He's too worried, too scared. 

When visiting hours open again he's back by Josh's bedside, watching his closed eyes, waiting for something. 

When Josh's eyes do flutter open, he looks groggy and not quite there. 

“Josh?” Tyler whispers. 

Josh grunts, turning his head to look towards the source of the voice. 

Through blurry vision he sees Tyler, and it makes him confused. Isn't Tyler not supposed to be home yet? This isn't his apartment. 

His sight makes him too confused, so he closes his eyes again. 

“Hey, Josh. I came home to check on you.” Tyler reaches out and places a shaking hand on Josh's arm. “You're doing okay, right?”

Josh nods slightly. 

“That's good, that's good.” Tyler stares at the floor. He can't look at Josh. “I'm… I'm sorry I left.”

Josh opens his eyes again. The world spins. 

“Do you need a nurse?”

Josh shakes his head. 

“Okay.” Tyler gently laces his fingers with Josh's bandaged ones. “It's gonna be okay. I promise. I'd never lie to you, I promise, I promise.”

Josh nods and shuts his eyes, and Tyler is again waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave comments! thyre what motivate me to continue!!!


	24. Chapter 24

Josh opens his eyes again with a soft noise just as a nurse enters the room. 

She's immediately beside him, gentle hands touching his arm. “Hey, sweetie.”

Josh shrugs her hand off of him. He can hear his heart rate monitor beep faster. Everything's still hazy. He doesn't like the sense of losing control. 

He thinks the nurse is talking but he's not sure, he can't make out anything distinct. 

His heart pounds in his ears as he falls into blackness again. 

When he wakes up again, he feels more alert, and Tyler is there. 

“Hey, Josh.” Tyler's voice is comforting. Josh thinks Tyler is holding his hand. “You doing okay?”

Josh nods slowly, trying to keep his eyes on Tyler. 

“You're, uh, you're a little sick.” What Tyler's saying sounds rehearsed, but Josh doesn't really care. All that matters to him in the moment is that Tyler is there. 

“I don't know when you can come home.” Tyler looks stressed beyond belief, like he hasn't slept in days. 

Josh makes a soft sound of distress. He doesn't want Tyler to be in pain. 

“Hey, shh, it's okay.” Tyler whispers. “Do you need a nurse?”

Josh doesn't know.

“I'm sorry.” His voice is rough. 

_The tears drip down his cheeks and land on his lap. He doesn't try to wipe them away, instead stays immobile, like a statue._

_He's hungry and thirsty, but he doesn't reach for the food and water just in front of him._

_Self control._

_Self control._

_He closes his eyes and continues his counting. It's distracting him. He has to keep the numbers in line._

_He can hear the door open, hear footsteps come down the stairs accompanied by the words “You're not eating or drinking.”_

_Josh doesn't open his eyes._

_Footsteps walk towards him, then a hand grabs his face and startles his eyes open._

_He looks up into **his** concerned expression. **He** holds a bottle of water. _

_“Come on, you have to drink.” **He** says. Josh almost laughs at how upset he sounds. _

_The open bottle is pressed to his closed lips, but Josh does not drink even though every part of his body screams for him to._

_Self control._

Josh has a death grip on Tyler's hand. His heart is pounding. 

“Josh?” Tyler whispers. 

“I…” Josh is crying. 

_He's dying._

_**He** is so concerned, so worried, **he** thinks that something is wrong with Josh. _

_Josh just wants to leave, and if death is the best way to leave, then he will die._

_He vaguely hears footsteps through the soft buzz in his ears. A hand opens his mouth, and before Josh can fight it, he feels water on his tongue._

_Josh reaches out with shackled hands and grabs **his** arm like it's the last thing in the world and drinks from the cup pressed to his lips. _

_“It's okay, Joshua, it's okay.” **He** whispers, and **he** sounds like **he** cares. _

_It's comforting, and terrifying._

“Josh, Josh, please.” Tyler says and Josh pulls his hand away from Tyler's. 

Words force their way past the blockage in his throat. “I wanna go home, please please I want to go home.”

“You can go home, it's okay, Josh, please calm, please…” Tyler's words jumble in his throat. 

Josh cries silently, confusion jumbling his tired mind. He's exhausted, he just wants to go home. 

He doesn't know where home is. 

He holds Tyler's hand tightly and cries until someone comes in and makes him fall asleep again. 

Tyler's still there when he wakes up again. 

Josh doesn't like being made to sleep, being forced into darkness, so he practices breathing. Deep breaths, in and out. He doesn't want control to be taken from him. It's all he wants. 

“Tyler?”

“I'm sorry.” Tyler's voice is quiet. 

“It's not your fault. It's mine.” Josh turns his head to look at Tyler. Tyler reaches out and takes his hand. 

They're silent. 

“Do people know?” Josh whispers. It feels almost wrong to shatter the quiet, but he needs to know. 

Tyler looks confused. “What do you mean?”

“You know. Tabloids. News outlets. My family probably knows, and they've probably said something, knowing my mom.” Josh's tone is tired, almost bored.

Tyler flinches and draws back. “Sorry. I, uh, I don't know, I'm sorry.”

“It's okay.” Josh shuts his eyes. He's tired. “I just… I'm tired of being famous, of having to check my actions, of having to think out what people think of me all the time, of paparazzi following me around if they get a chance. I don't… I don't want to subject you to that.” It's something that's been on his mind, something he feels that he has to tell Tyler. 

“Oh.” Tyler seems a little stunned. “Josh, I don't mind. I love you. If that comes with all of that, then it's okay with me.”

Josh closes his eyes and breathes. “Okay. It's okay.”

“Have they told you when you can go home?” Tyler asks. 

“Soon, I think.” Josh says quietly. “I hope.”

…

..

.

Josh holds Tyler's hand as they walk through the corridors of the hospital. 

Josh has his snapback on and pulled down slightly over his eyes, has long sleeves on to cover his knife scars and his tattoo. He's holding Tyler's hand and he's scared. 

“It's okay.” Tyler whispers. “I'm here.”

_“It's okay. I'm here.”_

_Gauze is gently wrapped around the cut right in the middle of Josh's tree._

Josh stiffens slightly. 

Tyler senses his nervousness. “We’re almost to the car. You're safe.”

_“You're safe.”_

_Josh is held with gentle hands, gentle touches._

Josh almost stops walking, but somehow keeps going. 

_Tears drip onto the blood-soaked bandage around his arm._

_Josh wants to rip it off and bleed out, but he doesn't want to get in trouble._

_Some part of him wants to survive, some part of him still has hope of escape._

_Another part wants to be good. That part trusts **him**. _

Tyler helps Josh into the passenger side of his car. Josh stares straight ahead, eyes out of focus, almost unseeing. 

Tyler doesn't know what to say to bring him back. 

_The door opens, and Josh feels dead. He's ready to be used, he's ready to do whatever **he** wants. _

_He's given up._

_“Hey.” The man crouching down in front of Josh is unfamiliar. “I'm Tyler, Tyler Joseph. I'm going to get you out of here, okay?”_


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry blurrycake here's some fluff

Josh sits down and picks up the phone, pressing it to his ear. “Let's talk.”

 **He** studies Josh, his own phone held in delicate hands. “I thought I told you not to.”

“You can't control me.” Josh says. “You can't get to me in there.”

 **He** continues to watch Josh for a moment before talking like he's picked his words carefully. “Why are you here? You hate me.”

“I'm here because I don't hate you, actually, but good guess.” Josh smiles, just a little. Hekeeps his free hand flat on the table so **he** can't tell he's shaking.

“Go on.”

“The day I was saved, I had given up.” Josh stares at his hand. “And then I put out of my mind that I'd ever felt like that, that I'd ever given in.” 

“Why the hell are you telling me this.” **He** sounds so angry, and Josh flinches. 

“I want you to know you succeeded. You got to me. I was perfect, I was you wanted, I was what you had been trying to make me be.” Josh feels dead as he speaks. He sounds dead. He is dead. “I was ready to accept that. And then Tyler pulled me out of a basement.” He looks up and locks eyes with **him**. “I love him more than you ever made me love you.”

The revelation shocks Josh just as much a it shocks **him**.

 **He** sneers. “It's not like it's a different kind of love. You were dependent on me because I took you. You're dependent on him because he saved you.”

Josh smiles, just a little. “I knew you'd say that. Not that it matters. I love him, and not you, and that's all that's ever going to matter.”

Josh hangs up the phone, gets up, and walks away. 

When he looks back over his shoulder he can see **his** anger. 

But he is not afraid. 

Tyler looks at him as he climbs into the car. “Did it go okay?”

“Yeah.” Josh says. He feels small. 

“Do you want to tell me what you said?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Josh thinks if he tells Tyler he loves him, Tyler will leave. He doesn't want Tyler to leave. 

Tyler sings along to the radio, and his voice calms Josh's anx

When they get to Josh's apartment, it takes him a second to be able to pull himself together enough to get out of the car. He walks without holding Tyler's hand, a voice in the back of his head telling him to be big, to be independent, to not be needy. 

Tyler looks a little concerned. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Josh even sounds small. 

He fumbles with the keys as he unlocks his apartment. Stepping inside is easy, easy until he collapses on the couch. 

He makes grabby hands at Tyler. “Cuddle.” It's like a demand a small child would make. 

“Of course.” Tyler scoops up the tv remote and a blanket before sitting next to Josh, pulling his legs up into a gargoyle sit before pulling the blanket over them both. 

Josh leans into Tyler's side, snuggling himself close. “Tyler?”

“Yes Josh?” Tyler asked, turning on the tv and pulling up netflix. 

“I'm tired.” Josh mumbles, hiding a large amount of his body under the blanket. “Can I wear your hoodie?”

Tyler pushes the blanket down just long enough to pull off his worn yellow hoodie and hand it to Josh. “Here.”

Josh pulls it on, barely exposing any of his body from below the blanket. “Thank you.” He pulls the hood over his head and tucks his hands into the pockets. 

“Want to watch a movie?” Tyler asks. 

“Mhm.” Josh blinks slowly. 

“What do you want to watch?”

“I wanna watch a Disney movie.” Josh mumbles, pulling himself into a smaller space. 

“Okay. Any specific one?”

“Brother bear!” Josh brightens up a little, making gestures under the blanket towards the tv. “Can we watch that one please please please!”

“Of course.” Tyler says gently, selecting the movie. He sets down the remote and tucks his arms under the blanket. 

Josh blinks slower and slower, eyes falling shut before snapping back open. It takes him almost half an hour to finally fall asleep, snoring softly and drooling just slightly. 

Tyler smiles as he looks at Josh, who seems tiny in Tyler's overlarge hoodie. 

Tyler's phone buzzes, and he fumbles to take it out of his pocket and answer the call. “Hello?”

He listens for a moment before responding. “Okay. Three hours, right?”

An affirmation from the other side. 

“Okay. Thank you.” Tyler hangs up. He's shaking from nervousness. 

He wakes up Josh as the movie ends. “Hey, Josh.”

Josh blinks awake and looks up at Tyler. “Yes?” He doesn't sound as small as before. 

“I gotta go back home and take care of something, do you want to come with me?”

Josh blinks a couple times, reaching one hand up to rub his eyes. “Okay. What's the thing?”

Tyler pauses. “You know how I said I had a kid, right?”

“Mhm.” Josh begins to nibble on the end of his thumb. It's adorable. 

“He's, uh, he's going to be living with us.”

Josh's eyes go wide. “Really??”

Tyler smiles. “Yeah. Really.”

“That's sooo cool!” Josh grins in excitement. 

“In about an hour I gotta go pick him up from the airport, do you want to come with me?”

Josh nods vigorously, and it makes Tyler smile. 

“You gotta eat something first though, Joshie. How about I make you some mac and cheese?”

“Can I help make it?” Josh kicks off the blanket in excitement. 

Tyler reaches under the hood and ruffles his hair. “Of course.”

Josh beams. 

..

.

Tyler bounces nervously on his toes, flapping his hands, staring at the exit from the airport gates, waiting, waiting.

Josh stands beside him, still swallowed up by Tyler's hoodie. “Soon?”

Tyler nods, then practically screams as a woman and a six year old boy walk out of the exit. “That's him!”

He bounces over, followed slowly and warily by Josh. 

Dylan beams up at Tyler as he stops in front of him. “Hey!”

“Papa!” Dylan reaches his arms up and Tyler immediately picks him up. 

Josh stays back and watches as Tyler as the woman talk for a bit. He feels awkward, out of place. Dylan isn't his kid. This isn't his family. 

Tyler walks over to Josh, still carrying Dylan. “This is Josh.”

“Hi Josh!” Dylan is flapping his hands just like Tyler was earlier. 

“Hi Dylan.” Josh says quietly. 

“You wanna ride on my shoulders?” Tyler asks, before shifting Dylan up. 

“I'm so tall!!” Dylan grabs onto Tyler's head. 

Josh smiles slightly as he watches them. Tyler is grinning, he looks the happiest Josh has ever seen him. 

“Dylan, Josh is your other dad.”

Josh is startled by that statement. 

“Hi dada!” Dylan waves at Josh. 

“Okay, you gotta come down now.” Tyler swings Dylan down to the floor. “Come on, let's go home.”

“Is it the same house?”

Dylan chatters excitedly, holding Tyler's hand as they walk through the airport. Josh stays behind, the out of place feeling less intense now. 

Some part of him knows that this is where he belongs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If u follow Josh's blog u know what's gonna happen in a couple chapters ;)


	26. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The way I really wanted to end this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT THINGS THAT ARE CANON IN THIS FIC I JUST WASNT ABLE TO SHOW THEM  
> -Dylan is a trans boy, an his full name is Dylan Rose Joseph   
> -Jenna is a trans girl  
> -Tyler is agender but he uses he/him pronouns

They lie together on the roof of Tyler's house. 

It's almost 1 am, and the sky is dotted with stars. 

Tyler twists the engagement ring settled around Josh's finger, a simple silvery band with a blue gem. 

It's perfect. It's calm. 

It's them. 

“How's your leg?” Josh asks. 

“Better. At least the cast is off.” Tyler leans his head on Josh's shoulder. “I love you.”

Casual. 

Josh swallows the lump in his throat. 

“I'm, I'm so glad I met you, you're one of the best people I've ever met, there's so many things that could've happened, I'm…” Tyler trails off. 

“It's okay.” Josh smiles softly. “It was worth it, because I met you.”

Tyler blushes. 

“Tyler?”

“Yes Josh?”

“I…” He can feel tears pricking at his eyes. Finally, finally, finally, he can do this. 

“Tyler... I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> send prompts to me @ [rainbowhairjosh](https://rainbowhairjosh.tumlbr.com) on tumblr!
> 
> Josh's tumblr (ask him things!): [unknownneverlasts](https://unknownneverlasts.tumblr.com)  
> Tyler's tumblr (ask things too!): [polarisingsun](https://polarisingsun.tumblr.com)


End file.
